Retail Hell The Book

Mannequin With a Message

Does she know her dog escaped and is shitting in a fitting room?

From Kylie.

 

Academy Awards of Retail Hell

Oscars For Sale

Souvenir store across the street from the Kodak Theater where the Oscars are held. Pic taken two days before the big show - the pseudo Academy Awards didn't appear to be flying off the shelves. Even with the help of a big rotating Oscar mannequin and his buns of steel. 

 

Thousands of fake Oscars waiting to be awarded.

 

There's even one for your dog and accountant! 

 

Oscar Mannequin stands proud showing off his star.

 

But when custys are drawn in, you know it's because of that gold ass!

  

Movie Theater Hell

From Retail Hell Underground:

Hello there! Long-time surfer, first-time poster here. Just call me Movie Mogul.

I am not sure if this necessarily fits in with "retail" directly, but it's a horror story I thought I might share. Actually, it's not one specific story, but a cumulative effect sort of thing.

Way back in the dark ages, I was the assistant manager of a movie theater.  Luckily, face-to-face douchebaggery was fairly rare, but you would be amazed at the things normally decent people do in the dark.

I swear they think the lights are off in the auditorium all the time, so whatever they do there will never be seen. It was among my duties to help clean up the auditorium at the end of the night, and trust me, folks, we turn the lights ON. 

And some of the stuff we would find is horrifying.

Anyone taking the job would expect candy, popcorn and soda spills; that is just par for the course. But how much brain damage does it take to NOT notify an usher or someone at the concession stand that you have vomited copiously onto the floor (or onto the empty seat next to you)? Even if it wasn't you, if it happened next to you, or even within five aisles of you, you are just going to let it sit there? Seriously?!  The stink from that is enough to knock a person over; how stupid or apathetic do you have to be to think, "Oh, well, only an hour left in the movie, not my problem"?

I have never been a parent, so I cannot speak to this next item with any authority, but when junior shits their diaper, perhaps...just PERHAPS you should change the little crap factory in the restroom. That is generally the room where shit is disposed of, am I right? Those changing tables in there are not snack trays, for Christ's sake. As I said, I have never been a parent, so maybe it is socially acceptable to leave your little bundle of joy's steaming wrapper full of defecation right there on the theater floor, with warm little waves of shit-smell delighting your fellow moviegoers.

But the real capper in my tenure at the theater--used condoms, used tampons and the occasional pile of ADULT human shit notwithstanding--was the time I found an open switchblade knife WITH BLOOD ON THE BLADE.  Honestly, What. The. Fuck. Was this a gang-related stabbing?  Hardly likely, since this took place in a tiny Iowa town where everyone knows everyone. So...what? No one came staggering out with a bleeding wound, that I recall.  A do-it-yourself appendectomy, the wound cauterized with a Bic lighter? I have no clue.

Finally, let me share you my tale of what I like to call Kiddie Hell Night. This was on a Saturday, the opening weekend of a very popular animated musical from a very popular animation factory. 

In our concessions order the week prior, they forgot to ship us any lids for the soda cups (yes, we had three sizes of soda available, but the cups were designed so one size lid fit all of them). So try to imagine three shows that night, packed with hyperactive little fuck trophies ALL of whom bought soda, in a packed auditorium that holds 350 people. 

Now, our theater had a slanted floor, that led to a "liquid collection area" in the front of the theater, with a blocked drain that never worked all the time I was employed there. 

I am not exaggerating one iota when I tell you that the lake of soda at the front of the theater that night was almost six inches deep; it literally had nowhere to go. I remember cleaning up with our crew, our pants rolled up to our knees, our shoes and socks removed, shin-deep in that sticky, cold flood.

I consider myself lucky that I have long since escaped customer service hell. But I hold the utmost respect for those still trapped there.

--Movie Mogul

  

Worlds Luckiest Mannequin

The mannequin high life: encased in gold, surrounded by flowers, security, and celebrities. No ugly clothes, embarrassing poses, unruly custys, or evil hell spawns. Every manni's wet dream.

Elmo Avalanche

Most likely caused by piglets while their piggy parents looked on.

Pic from Christy Danger, posted on RHU's Facebook group page.

Breakroom Hell

Where are the paintball guns when you need them?

Sent in from a Kohl's Slave whose identity shall remain protected by RHU's Secret Retail Slave Wittness Program.

Angel Spawn's Random Act of Retail Kindness

From Retail Hell Underground Blogger Spritzy:

The other day in line at the check-out I encountered a wonderful rarity, an Angel-Spawn.

Now we're all well aware of the Hell-Spawn who rip through the checkout candy, trample tabloids, and scream for every toy and treat on the shelf only to have their atrocious parental units pat them on the head and say there-there, don't worry...the little retail-slave-girl will clean up your mess.

Ugh.

But today was different, the customer in front of me had two children who were probably twins and couldn't be more than three. They stood next to her and didn't say a word, didn't grab for the chocolate, didn't whine or scream or cry.

Then the little girl noticed that there was a candy bar on the floor; now a Hell-Spawn probably would have stomped it or maybe even just opened it and started munching.

Not this little girl, she picked it up and looked carefully back and forth across the boxes of candy until she found it's correct spot and put it right where it belonged.

Her mom noticed her looking at the candy and told her not to touch anything and I told the mom that she was putting away one that fell on the floor and that she was a good kid.

Let's clone kids like these shall we?

--Spritzy

  

10 Ways To Make Retail Hell Borderline Fun

From Retail Hell Underground Blogger, Depot Demon:

1. While throwing out trash, pretend that you are a secret agent destroying evidence (more effective if you hum the "mission impossible" theme)

2. Throughout the day, speak in different accents whenever you can get away with it

3. If you get "work lists", pretend that each task is a quest, and by completing a task, you are X% done with the game

4. If you get injured, don't say you're getting a band aid, say you're going to the healer.

5. Slink about the aisles pretending you are a ninja and are looking for your target.

6. Imagine what would happen if you turned your store into a paint ball field.

7. When asked where something is tell them its 2 aisles further than where it actually is. (Not to be done near management)

8. Work on your juggling skills with whatever stock you can get away with dropping.

9. Make up stuff about a product and see if a customer catches on (for example; 'yes this product is microwaveable and can withstand a zombie attack)

10. Stalk a person around the store, and do your damnedest to not get caught.

*Bonus for the ones who cashier:

Give customers the smallest bills possible, especially if they pay in change (I don't cashier so I have no idea what its like on the front end, but I sympathize)

                    *                    *                    *                    

Of course, I don't want anyone to get fired, because we all know as much as we hate the Hell, we need the money.

However the stalking of the customer could be looked at  as "ensuring that the crustomer receives excellent customer service" (I almost gagged while typing that) and could get you a raise...Amy ways, hope this helps even a little bit.

Love,
DepotDemon

Customer Reject

From Depot Demon: "Giving a *shout* out to the side dishes."