Retail Hell The Book

The BookWorms and Dollies Celebrate Retail Hell

No hell at this party! Only laughter, fun, and awesome fans of Retail Hell!

On January 23rd, Melinda Filardo (a former Nordy department manager) hosted a retailicious luncheon in my honor at the Embassy Suites Mandalay Beach and Restort in Ventura California. In attendance were members of The BookWorms Book Club and longtime circle of friends, The Dollies .

This was my first book club event and will be the most memorable for me! Surrounded by old friends, new friends, great food, hilarious decor, and so much fun, I don't think it will ever be topped.

The BookWorms in attendance were Valerie Korac, Hillary Weireter, Janis Coffman, Kristin Corsentino, Lisa Coultas Shoemaker, Kendal Thomas, Travis Rees, and Jennifer McDonell. The Dolly group consisted of Melinda Filagree (also a Bookworm), Devra Hodge, Bodine Elias, Toni David, Arlene Shatsky, and Virginia Weilbacher. Friends of both groups that attended were Nancy Berger and Kathy Johnson Pettit.

Melinda and the ladies did a spectacular job setting the table!
Running down the center were replicas of old returned handbags with tickets and receipts and all those things I mention in the book that get left behind.
Many of them have worked in retail and it brought back return nightmares!

The most creative hilarious centerpieces I've ever seen! Loved them!

With Melinda Filardo who organized the luncheon and is member of The BookWorms and The Dollies.

Old receipts and even some Renova!

With The Dolly friends: Virginia Weibacher is next to me and on the bottom left to right are Bodine Elias, Devra Hodge, and Tony David. Dolly not pictured is Melinda because she took the pic!

And yes, even old food!

With (left to right), Kathy Johnson-Pettit, Lisa Coultas Shoemaker, Kirstin Corsentino, and Kendal Thomas.

I remember selling that handbag! And it did not come with a condom!

 

With Janis Coffman, who was also an Ex handbag manager at Nordstrom.


Tag with a sticker....not my employee number! Thank god.


With Virginia Weibacher and Jennifer L McDonell.

Handbag straps, lingerie, and Retail Hell!

Devra Hodge, Tony David, and Nancy Berger

Panties, chocolate, and Retail Hell! Oh my!

Melinda presents me with her toy truck award from The Big Fancy.
Here is the speech she gave before passing it me:

About 4 months ago, my friend Travis came by to visit and brought me a book that he said, "I had to read, it's called Retail Hell, it is absolutely hysterical."

Since at that point in my life I felt that Retail was hell, especially in Santa Barbara, I took the book. I flipped it over and looked at the picture of the author and said, "It's Freeman Hall! I remember him, he managed the handbag department for The Big Fancy and won all kinds of awards for having great business!" But I also remember that he was this very cute blonde fellow who was very quiet. I took the book and began reading and laughing. There was comic genius hiding in that quiet demeanor.

I remembered climbing the 8 flights of stairs at the employee entrance and the blaring music before a rally, not to mention the blaring announcements led by different managers at the store. I decided that we needed to have an author's lunch for Freeman with The BookWorms after connecting on Facebook several emails and phone calls, we have Freeman with us today, but before I let Freeman talk to you, I have a surprise for him.

We both know over the years, the prizes we received for winning awards at The Big Fancy got smaller and smaller, but after you left The Big Fancy realized that winning Manager of the Month was a very prestigious honor. That the gift reflects exactly how important the thought we were to the company. A gift that we would treasure forever. Since you never received one of these I decided to share mine with you. I hope you treasure this as much as I did.

...and with that Melinda pulled out a toy truck from underneath the table. The very one she had been awarded as Manager of the Month. I'm thinking of bronzing it.
It plays "We will rock you." Probably cost a buck fifty.

Kristin made this great sign for the entrance of the event room.
Now how did she know I like skulls?

Showoff Mannequin

Yes, even mannis love them some Prada.

Though it looks likes she's going to spank it.

And that hideous blouse she's wearing needs to be burned.

 

Sweet Custy Comes To Hell's Rescue

 From Grocery Girl on Retail Hell Underground:

Hi everyone! This is my very first posting, long time reader and such..

So here's the story it's short and sweet.  I sadly can't remember this customer by name, but I will always remember her face and kindness.

I work at a grocery store (two films were filmed here :) by a certain pair of brothers.), and I've been there for about 8 years now, I'm also in college.

But anywho this happened about....2-3 years ago... it was super packed and we have old...old registers that would either freeze or fry and everything in between because they do not want to put in the effort of rebuilding the front and have working or new anything.

Most of our things were second hand...or from the early 90's....so you can see we usually have a lot of issues with the computers. It's also very easy for the store to get busy, we have 4 registers (which only 3 would be open to ring and express was strictly for lottery purchases, it's annoying and we're a small store.

On this day two very rude and severely annoyed sisters just couldn't understand how it was busy and thought that they should be helped first and foremost.

As it came to the time that it was their turn.....my register froze....

They started berating me on my customer service skills and didn't accept my apology or explanation of the situation.

It took only a minute to restart but when its busy it seems like half an hour X_x.

They started cussing me out!

And I was still a bit of a newbie at cashiering and still shy so I just took it.

Then the woman behind them spoke up.

"Don't you dare talk to her that way! It's not her fault that the computer isn't working! You should be ashamed of yourselves!"

They muttered something along the lines of "we weren't talking to you" as I finished their groceries and they left.

I was in absolute shock and as I was talking to the woman and telling her she really didn't have to do it she tell me "Oh no no no! They had no right to talk to you like that! You are a sweet girl and didn't deserve that! You have always been sweet to me and the other customers. I like coming here!" 

Among many other things she said...but to continue with the story, I saw her at a local artist auction my friend >Ratchet the Barista Girl was featured in ((  HII!!!  :D  )) and we chatted and would chat every time I see her, she even said that herself, my husband and I should hang out some day.

She really is the sweetest lady I've EVER met. 

--Grocery Girl

 

  

How The Day Starts in Retail Hell

At which point you say, "Fuck it. Time for a coffee break!"

Christmas Asshole: What She Really Wanted To Say

From Retail Hell Underground:

Hello, this is Satan's Spawn reporting to you straight from the Gates Of Hell.

I, being the lucky Wal-Mart employee that I am, was put on the Lawn and Garden gate to greet/sell Christmas Trees for a few hours a few days before Christmas.

After being there for roughly four hours, I was already fed up with all of these bitch customers' Christmas Spirit. I figured I would be able to at least get through the rest of my shift without the usual bitchfits. Clearly, this was wishful thinking.

First, within the first fifteen minutes of getting to the gate, it starts to rain and snow. I don't mean that light snow that's almost like mist, I mean full-on fucking cotton balls falling from the sky.

Then some stupid kids (you know, the usual sophomores in high school who have just gotten their driver's license that think they run shit) come in and knock over at least three Christmas Trees. Now, for those of you who have never manhandled a Christmas Tree, they're VERY heavy especially when wet (as they were, considering it had been snowing out consistently throughout the week).

To top it off, one guy came through with his wife and walked right past me. Thinking nothing of it, I went back to planning the destruction of the facility.

Well, a few minutes later he comes back with a Christmas Tree and hands me money.

I tell him politely that he has to go inside to pay for it.

He absolutely has a kanipshit, calling me a "fucking moron" for not telling him that you had to pay.

As he leaves, of course he can't shut the fuck up and has to go out in a blaze of glory, screaming "Of course this didn't work out, it NEVER does. Of course, that fucking moron is just STANDING there with her thumb up her ass!"

I merely wished them a happy holiday.

What I should have said was:

"Well, sir, if you haven't noticed, it's snowing and raining out, and cash registers are electric. Please, tell me how the fuck you expect a cash register to function under these conditions. Have you ever paid for anything outside? No, you have not, as there has never been a cash register outside at any point at this particular store. If none of these trees are good enough for you, why don't you save yourself the inconvenience and me the bullshit and go cut your own goddamn tree from your backyard you ignorant son of a bitch. Please go fuck yourself and I hope your house burns down on Christmas."

Butt-tastic Store

They probably have a huge fat-ass section and there are assholes everywhere.

 

Discount Rat Revenge at Shoe Store

From Fiona on Retail Hell Underground:

Dearest Retail Hell,

Another story for you from the depths of the shoe store jungle. 

My husband and I own and work in a shoe store.

There is parking right outside the door and we have big glass windows all along the front of the shop.

One day my husband served a young Asian couple (I wasn’t there at the time). 

They took ages for her to try on sale shoes, and in the end she argued for a further discount on an already well discounted pair of shoes, as she had found a tiny mark on the leather (was probably part of the natural leather grain). 

My husband refused to lower the price further. 

We are well used to customers trying to create imaginary faults in a shoe to get a discount (sorry, deescount).

Sometimes we’ll take another small token amount off and the customer leaves happy. Depends how much of a dog the shoe is and what kind of a mood we’re in and how nice the customer is.

On this day he’d had enough of this couple and said ‘the price is the price’ basically. 

So after mucking him around and not getting the shoes for 150% off the original price, they left. 

Not long after the man came back into our store.

Turns out someone had backed into his car just as he was leaving and he wanted to know if my husband had seen that it was the other person’s fault and could be an insurance witness for him.

‘Sorry mate, I didn’t see the accident, as I was putting away the shoes your wife didn’t buy’.  (his exact words - 'the shoes your wife didn't buy' - classic).

A sweet moment for a retail slave to savor.

--Fiona

 

Blue Mannequin Cops a Feel

From Dianne: "Saw this at the downtown Seattle Barney's. Not sure what the Sky Blue Group is doing suspended in public with "busy hands". The whole store basically freaks me out anyway."

Below are some lazy Barney's Co-op blue mannis just hanging around.The Grove in LA.

Burger Bitch: Trapped on Dumbass Street

I’m not sure if there’s some form of Idiot fumes in the air or what’s going on, but customers and managers seem to be getting more and more retarded.

My manager just hired THREE more people, even though we have more than enough people now, my hours were already cut by half, so I had to take any extra shifts that came up just so I could do groceries, pay my phone bill and pay for Karate.

The customers today must have all came from Dumbass Street in Retard Town, the first two came in and ordered burgers.

I asked if they wanted them by themselves or in combos, they both refused the combos because “They weren’t hungry.”

I asked if that was everything and they go “Oh, and two fries and two Pepsi’s”

... Uuuh. I ask, “So, you want the combos then?”

“NO, WE DON’T WANT THE COMBOS.”

Alright, fine, so I didn’t put them in combos, which makes them about two dollars or so more expensive than the combos.

When I told them the price, they got even more snippy, but paid it.

I don’t give a shit, not my money.

Shortly afterwords, I’m waiting for a customer to, I assumed, make up his mind.

He’s just standing there, not really doing anything, so I say “I can help you over here.”

But he just kind of looks at me and keeps staring at my co-worker who was helping people at the other cash.

I stand there for a good five minutes and he still doesn’t budge.

I end up going to the back to grab a drink, when I come back, my supervisor tells me that the customer was upset that I didn’t take his order.

UUUUH.

I stood there for five fucking minutes and he didn’t come over to me, what was I supposed to do? Read his fucking mind?

AND THEN THE FINALE.

Three minutes before my shift ends (Yes, I was staring at the clock and counting) there’s a short line, maybe six people.

A woman orders, I ask her if that’s everything, but no, her husband has to order too. 

And then... –Jaws music-

... his cell phone goes off.

It’s like that moment in a movie everything stands still and you’re at the edge of your seat, just about crapping yourself with anticipation.

But sure enough, he answers his cell phone.

I ask her: “Would it be ok if I voided this out for now and took other customers orders?”

She replies: “Oh no, he’ll just be a sec.”

A sec turned into TEN FUCKING MINUTES.

I had to call someone else up to take orders on the other cash.

Do people not fucking realize that they’re wasting other people’s life?

IS THAT PHONE CALL REALLY THAT IMPORTANT?

Dshv bcxnmkjghhgk.l

Burger Bitch

Shopping Carts Takes on Mt Everdirt

Completely ill-prepared, the summit will most likely kill them.

From Mick