Retail Hell The Book

Fitting Room Door Sign

Customer Rejects

Is Swiss making plungers and scrub brushes now? Naw, they're just custy rejects spotted by my friend Leyla.

How Stores Save Money On Signage

This is from my friend Spritzy who blogs on Retail Hell Underground. I'm re-posting her rant here because this story is an excellent example of how companies take advantage of employees and make them do ridiculous things:

I swear, this company has lederhosen wearing monkeys cranking out the ideas for this place

So the other day our store was doing inventory, and we all know how time-consuming that nightmare is, and then management receives a e-mail.

Corporate had just notified our store of a sale that started the next day...the NEXT DAMN DAY!

They tell us about this "urgently important" sale that's starting the next day that we have to prepare for immediately...in the midst of FUCKING INVENTORY!

One of the parts of prep for this sale was to make a big sandwich board sign proclaiming the vast wonders of this sale.

We have to make this sign...by hand...with our own supplies.

Let it be known that no more than a couple months ago our company announced that they were gonna spend several million on new signage in the next year or so and yet they can't send us a fucking sandwich board?

Now this can't be just any old higgldy-piggldy thrown together sign. It's gotta look "professional" and "perfect" Oh yes! And it has to be made in three hours with some bent up craft board and six half dead permanent markers. Riiiiiiight.

They had another associate start with the sign because they didn't know I was there. And as the token artist of the establishment they sent me to asisst as soon as they saw me. The poor girl was working as fast as she could stenciling out letters and trying to manage the repeated pages she was getting for her dept.

I was filling in the letters with the dried up markers and a manager came in to berate us both for such poor quality work and for taking too long and "wasting valuable man-hours."

Well if corporate could get their shit together and give us more than 12 hours notice for a sale and actually use some of that fucking multi-millions to send us a sign instead of expecting us to throw one together with sub-par supplies then we wouldn't be in this situation now would we?

They even had the gall to tell the poor girl she'd have to take the sign home and work on it in her own time if she didn't finish it. Not only is that highly illegal but it's unreasonable and unfair.

We got it done with me staying late to help but if we hadn't and they made her take it home I woulda reported them like a old lady reports a wild party.

And to make things even better, Corporate's intention for the sign was to put it outside in front of the store...great so we're doing all this work only to have it blow away in ten minutes if it doesn't fall apart from the rain or run over by a car.

Stupid fuckers...AUGH!

 

Hot Handbag By Alexander McQueen

Here's a cool evening bag I'd buy! Of course, I like anything with a skull on it! It's named Knuckle Duster by amazing designer Alexander McQueen. Embellished with a skull and Swarovski crystal ring, the color is called Petrol because it resembles the iridescence that happens from mixing water and gasoline. Don't light any matches around it. However, the $1595 price tag might make your credit card explode anyway. But this beauty is what we handbag salespeople like to call an "investment piece." It's so cool you'll never want to let it go and wear it for years.

 

I love how you you can slip your  fingers through the top to hold it. Makes a nice weapon. The Real Housewives of Atlanta could each use one of these. That skull will definitely leave marks. Here it is in red whip snake:

Shopping Cart In Chains

What Blue Mannequins Are Thinking

Miserable blue mannequins from a designer discount boutique at The Americana in Glendale, CA.

Retail Hell Spawn Gets Told

Here's a great Hell Spawn Story from RHU blogger Joe Flynn in Burtonsville, Maryland:

Observed in a local (Washington, D.C.) restaurant:

The place was sparsely populated. Only three tables out of twenty-five were occupied. At the front of the place was a party of four: a couple of 30-somethings and a couple of 60-somethings. They're talking, talking, talking and having a good time.

But wait...they're actually a party of five. The fifth member of their group was a boy about five years old. And he is very methodically going from table to table, unscrewing the tops of the salt and pepper shakers, and dumping the contents on the tabletops.

When one of the female servers tried to stop him, he yelled, "You're not my mommy!"

He then ran into the bar area. When he came back into the dining room, he started chanting, "I wanna go home, I wanna go home, I wanna go HOME!"

And the whole time, neither Mom, Dad, Grandpa nor Grandma even looked in his direction.

They didn't take any notice when he plowed into a server carrying a full tray of food. When he walked up to my table and announced, "You're UGLY!"

I'd had enough. I took him by the shirt and frog-marched him up to his family's table. 

"Does THIS belong to you?  If it does, you better get him away from me, 'cause I'm this close to kicking his ASS!"

All four of them looked at me like I was from Mars.

I pointed out the damage he'd done. They all continued to stare at me.

Then Mom reached into her purse and brought out a candy bar. "Here Michael, come sit by Mommy."

No apology, no discipline, nothing.

Little Michael got a REWARD!

I thought to myself, "Start saving up the bail money; you're gonna NEED it!"

Favorite Handbag

I'm doing a new segment here on Retail Hell! Take a pic of your favorite handbag and tell me why it's your fave!

The first one is from my friend Janna Segal:

"In preparation for a move, I spent this weekend packing boxes of handbags I had acquired during my days as a retail slave at the Big Fancy's Handbag Department.

In the process of pulling what may be the oldest extant Kate Spade handbag out of a storage closet, I stumbled upon this grey, embossed Ferragamo backpack (yes, I said backpack).

I opened it up to find the matching wallet and was hit by a wave of nostalgia.

I remembered that regrettable moment in fashion history when we wore backpacks as handbags. More important, I remembered that moment when I bought this gorgeous Ferragamo backpack (yes, I said gorgeous and backpack in the same clause) from Freeman while we both we're working at the Big Fancy.

The handbag brought us joy: it made me happy because I owned something so beautiful; and it made Freeman happy to know that I would never, ever return that bag, even if backpacks went out of style the very next day (which I think they did).

Once the memories faded, that now vintage designer backpack was promptly put back in its protective Ferragamo bag and carefully placed in a box clearly marked "Segal, Handbags.

I may not wear it until backpacks are chic again (did I just say backpacks were chic again???), but that Ferragamo handbag is a favorite of mine because it signifies the entire moment of its purchase, which was full of so much warmth and love. And that is why they call it retail therapy."

Take a picture of your favorite bag and tell me why you love it! Send to retailhellstories@gmail.com

All Hail The Chicken Handbag

Okay, so you are not going to see this on the runway at NYC's Fashion Week or on the arm of Cameron Diaz, but you have to admit, the silliness of a chicken bag brings a smile to your face. I've seen some pretty bizarre bags in my time, but none that resembled poultry.

My friend Dianne, in Seattle is the proud owner of this chicken bag and she tells me she was downtown the other day carrying it and got totally ignored at a Big Fancy Department Store.

"I guess they thought I was a farm yokel!" she said, "I ran into the Customer Service manager and he was vastly offended at the chicken! I guess I'm not being as stylish as I might be, but it was a warm day and I haven't any other summer bag! I got it at a place called "Fireworks." They sell a lot of arty stuff, local artists work, and interesting things. It set me back all of $32!!! Not bad for a rubber chicken with straps!"

Summer is the perfect time for fun, crazy handbags and if they make you laugh, all the better!

Do You Work Here Comeback Line