So I'm riding out the recession at the local KaBumVille BoxMart, which I will not identify except to say that we do not wear blue.
It sucks as expected - bottom-feeder customers, employees who don't give a shit, nothing's ever priced right or in stock, Management Grinches, the whole bit.
I expect squat from the place and I get squat, so, no harm no foul. But yesterday I experienced something so new, so Grinchy, that I can only call it "Negative Squat." And I gotta cry foul.
Word comes down last week from the Management Grinches: "We can wear pajamas to work on Thanksgiving!"Yayyy! -say the pee-ons.
"Oh: but they have to be our store-brand pajamas."
Boooo, say the pee-ons. Like everything else in and about the store, the pajamas are cheap'n'ugly
"BUT it's OK", say the Grinches, "Because we, the Generous Management, will GIVE them to you! Free of charge!"
Yayyy! -say the pee-ons. Cheap'n'ugly ain't so bad if it's free.
A week goes by. We pick out our pajamas. THEN, yesterday, the Word Comes Down.
The Ultimate Grinch, the Negative Squat Moment.
"By the way, your pajamas aren't free for you to KEEP, they're just ON LOAN."What, say the confused pee-ons: "We have to buy them? But, but, you don't pay us enough to be able to afford them."
"No worries," the Maganimous Grinches assure us. "If you don't want to buy your pajamas, you can return them on Black Friday to our specially designated Pajama Police. Just be sure to bring the EXACT SAME PAJAMAS you took, because the Pajama Police will have a scanner and a list and will be checking each pair returned."
But....the pee-ons blink...we'll have worn them, so....you can't resell them. What'll you do with 'em?
"We'll Deep-six 'em."
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So....what you're saying, Mr. Grinch, is that you want us to give you hours and hours of free product advertising on Thanksgiving Day, only to have to choose between buying the damn things *AT FULL PRICE*, or handing them over so they can eventually end up off someone's books and in a landfill?!?
That, Mr. Grinch, is worse than squat. That is Negative-Squat.
And if I ever do get into the whoring-out business, it'll be for more than Negative-Squat. Here's your damn pajamas back, unworn. I'm wearing the standard uniform on Thanksgiving, which I at least knew ahead of time I'd have to buy. Squat's the lowest I'll work for.
Happy Stinkin' Holidays from the KaBumVille BoxMart!
Your hapless recession victim,
Customer ServeTHIS
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