Retail Hell The Book

New Year's Eve = Valentine's Day

Forget Hallowthanksmus...now we have Happy New Valentines! Nothing says Happy New Year like valentines chocolate and cards. Pics taken at Raley's grocery store on December 30th at 6pm. It's a good thing chocolate and candy have long shelf lives...

Return Hell with Dumbass Custys

 A few Return Hell Stories from Retail Hell Underground to scare you to death. From RHU's comments...

Claire:

I had a guy return a new CD because he didn't like the mixing and he "had a recording studio in his basement and so knew sound quality," puffing himself up like a strutting rooster when he said it.

He swore at me and I went all school marm "That language is not acceptable or appreciated."

He apologized, but, as my grandmother always said, a good reputation is an easy thing to lose and a near impossible thing to replace.

Another customer pointed out that if he had a recording studio he could have fixed the damned sound and felt not like a useless twat.

It's a new cd, we can't predict if it's mixed up to your high standards.

Write EMI.

Macy's Blows:

God, I can't count how many times people bring in empty jars of cream and want money back. Or even worse, filled up with something that is obviously not $135 moisturizer.

Seriously, do people think I can't tell the difference between the stuff I've been selling for 4 years and Garnier Fructise Conditioner?

Sian:

I love it when people try and return makeup with a competitor's price stickers still on them. I also love the look on their face when I tell them I can't take it back.

Kit:

Yups. Some thing worse happened. A few weeks ago, some stupid girl wanted to return a sandwich she said was the wrong order.

We would've done it EXCEPT for three things that had happened previously:

1. She had already returned a sandwich before for another.

2. She once again returned another sandwich.

3. The third time, she had already eaten half the damn sandwich.

Seriously ... and the girl that had come to us the first two times wasn't even the actual customer.

The third time she came with the actual eater, in which the friend told the eater, "They won't take it because you ate half of it, bitch.'

Mudflap Girl:

Why do people who return every thing they buy think they are customers?

They actually COST the store money.

The store has to pay someone to ring up the sale,return the sale and fool around with the paperwork associated with the return(sending product back to the vender or whatever).

I think chronic returners should pay the store a service fee at least.At least we could get something for our trouble.

I once had a woman return a sunscreen because,she said,it made bees chase her.Another woman dropped an eyeshadow from her second floor balcony and complained that it broke and demanded a replacement.

Not to be outdone, one annoying skank returned a bodysuit because the snaps made her crotch break out in a rash.

Yeah, like I really needed to hear that.

I hate bullshit returns and the people who do them!

Mario Speedwagon:

A few months back in my Hardly Normal store, I had a customer try to return a laser printer - 1 day short of being a year since purchase.

Apparently, they only just realized that it was a mono-function printer, not a multifunction.

I flat out said no way, so they kicked up a fuss saying that they spoke to David on the phone (we don't have a David or anyone with a similar name).

In the end my manager returned it and refunded it for them.

Unbelievable.

Spritzy:

I had a lady walk up to me with a bathrobe in a bag and asked me if the bathrobe came from our store and if she could return it.

I looked it over and it obviously didn't come from our store.

I told her that our store only has Blah-Blah brand of bathrobes and it's not ours and wouldn't be able to return it...

She paused and looked at me with a disgusted face and said..."..SO?!"

Redneck Mannequin and Friend

The results of too much moonshine.

 

Amazing Random Act of Retail Kindness

Sent in from SJ:

I just had to share my Random Act of Retail Kindness that occurred yesterday during return hell.

This woman was returning something and didn't have a receipt.

Our policy states that you can only get a gift card for the lowest amount it has been at in the last 90 days without the card you purchased with it or the receipt.

The woman didn't have a problem with only getting 9.99 back, but she didn't want it as a receipt.

So, as I'm calling the manager she's working herself up to a fit.

I'd already had 6 people flip out on me that day and it was only 3 hours into my shift with 6 more hours to go so I said "Lady, calm down. I'm trying to work this out for you."

The guy behind her asks "How much was the gift card for?"

I informed him and he said "Why don't I just give her $10 and use the gift card towards my purchase?"

I looked at the lady to make sure she wasn't going to start screaming and then thanked him profusely.

After she left he said "I could tell she was going to make a scene and hold up the line, so I figured it didn't really make a difference."

I continued to thank him during the sale, and I could tell everyone else in the line was grateful too.

It's nice to know that not everyone is an ass hole like the other people who I wanted to strangle yesterday.

I just hope return hell ends soon.

Walking into work and finding the cash wrap covered in piles of clothing gives me a headache.

Customer Rejects

It's Coat-back Mountain!

25 Things For Holiday Music Shoppers To Remember

Something to rock your funny bone! Check out this hilarious list of things for holiday custys to remember when shopping for music. Sent into RHU from a Bookstore Slave:

1. "Credit Only" means we don't take cash, food stamps, or rocks.. Nor do we issue credit, it means "Credit Only", as in cards.. don't be stupid.

2. No we don't have 4 copies of a Christmas Carol on DVD.... it's 3 days before Christmas, how long were you planning on waiting to watch it?.. 

3. Justin Bieber is not "Justin Beaver", if you don't know his last name, you shouldn't be buying his CD.

4. There is one line, as in ONE line, not 3, or 4 or 6... it's a not a free for all kids, we just don't pick people at random as if it's a dating game.. get on line, don't make us choose the hot chicks or old people first...not that I would pick the hot chick… unless she was really really hot.. and then in that case, I would do it, just to get her out of the store…I’ll stop now…

5. Yes, we will give you a bag that's not see-through for your porn magazine purchase, you don't have to lie and say it's a gift for someone you are shopping with... be proud of being a pervert.. wear your pervert on your sleeve…

6. It's Lady GAGA, not "That Gaga Lady"...see rule # 3....

7. Please try to refrain from asking us/me what I thought of Santa's Buddies or G-Force, do you really think I've seen it, or would share my honest opinion with you? (G-Force was awesome by the way)

8. Don't come in and expect me to know which Composer did this Symphony in G-Minor while under water and humming Wagner.. and then treat me like a second hand peasant for not knowing... You try and remember half the shit we do, and then get back to me, you arrogant jerk... don’t be that classical customer..

9. Everyone appreciates it when you compliment them for doing a good job, try it, you'll feel better about yourself…1 in 25 customers ask ME, “how are you doing today”.. take note though, don’t ask me in the next 5 days.. you won’t wanna know..

10. Don't ask me if I know that song, you know, on the radio, the one with Love in the title, it goes like "la la la love"... YOU KNOW IT? no, I don't... smack…

11. If you have to ask us if Blu-Ray works in your DVD, then my first reaction would be.....no... since you asked..

12. In regards to # 11, I don't know what kind of TV you have, or if you can hook up a Blu-Ray player to it, I haven't been to your house last I checked... and no, I can’t fix your DVD player as well… wanna come to my house and do my laundry?

13. We close at 11:00pm ...not 11:10, not 11:15, not 11:16... please don't ask if you can look around for a few more minutes for a gift for your sick Auntie.. we want to go home to at some point... just like you..

14. Yes, it's cheaper at Amazon, Target, Best Buy, Stop and Shop, Kohls, and maybe 10 more stores.. but you are here now, at my register, and ready to pay, why are you telling me this now? We know, we heard, we got it...enough already...

15. Customers at Cafe should know what they want, BEFORE they get to the register.. why are you deciding when you are in front of me, on the phone, and wasting my break with your indecision's...move along, and let's GO already.

16. If you have to do an online reservation for Susan Boyle, you shouldn't be allowed to listen to music... we have enough in stock to make enough cup coasters for every man woman and child on the east coast.. and while I’m on the subject of online reservations, it’s almost 2 days before Christmas, WHY DO YOU WAIT UNTIL NOW TO DO THIS?... (the caps symbolize me shouting for those not in the know)

17. Yes, Susan Boyle has the voice of an angel.. exactly which angel has yet to be determined.. and please stop referring to her as some godlike creature.... she'll be a cutout in about 6 months.. (but thanks for the sales Susan, I LOVE YOU)

18. Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift are not the same person.. write it down.

19. If you have to ask, "what's a good Jazz CD", you shouldn't be listening to jazz. Stick to Kenny G, and tell your friends how awesome he is.

20, No, we don't have the Avatar DVD...it’s still playing across the street,

21. No, you can't combine 6 coupons together...nor 5… nor 4…

22. The bathroom is down the hall, to the right…the bathroom is down the hall, to the right… the bathroom is down the hall, to the right… the bathroom is down the hall………………….

23. Six 15 year kids don’t intimidate us, we may be older, but will still kick your ass out of the department. Go hang out at 7 Eleven, down by the river….

24. We promise not to come to your house/apartment and throw shit everywhere without a care in the world, please respect our house too… it’s common courtesy… 

And finally Number 25..

Everyone should work retail at least once in their lives..

It will give you all the understanding of what it’s like to be out there, doing the things we all do for you, and the hard work it takes just to make your lives easier.

Pay attention, don’t ask stupid questions, and don’t be that guy/girl.

Or you’ll end up on my list next year.

Happy Holidays..

Really, I mean it..

Ya jerkface.

Mannequin Nutcracker: Loss Prevention Officer

Nothing is getting stolen on his watch.

Juicy Couture window, NYC.

He has a secret weapon.

He's got a birdseye view and legs that can impale you!

 

Customer Return Excuses and RHU Comebacks

We've all heard a gazillion reasons why Custy's want to return something.

Here are some of the more common return excuses along with answers you might be able to use!

Mocking the situation can be loads of fun and take the edge off! Custys with a sense of humor love it.

Just remember to make a joke out your comeback line and then toss your Custy a shit-eating retail smile and say, "I'm just foolin ya!"

Here are some of m favorite Return Hell Underground (RHU) Comeback Lines:

Returner: "It didn't wear well."

RHU Comeback: "I can see that. The car must have been going pretty fast.

Returner: "My husband, (wife, daughter, son, friend), didn't like it."

RHU Comeback: "Maybe they need a pair of glasses?"

Returner: "It made me sick."

RHU: Combeback "It has that effect on people."

Returner: "It ruined my life and I'm getting a divorce.

RHU Comeback: "I hope you get the house and the dog."

Returner: "My boyfriend's mother blew her back out and can't use it anymore."

RHU Comeback: "Maybe your boyfriend could carry it for her."

Returner: "I already have this one."

RHU Comeback: "So do we and we don't need another one."

Returner: "I bought too much."

RHU Comeback: "So I heard, it was on CNN last night."

Returner: "It was gift. I don’t like it."

 RHU Comeback: "I think you just hurt its feelings."

Returner: "I'm not in love with it anymore."

RHU Comeback: "Maybe you just need couple's counseling. I hate to see it end like this."

Returner: "Yes, the bottle of face cream is empty. But it broke out my face. Someone said keep using it."

RHU Comeback: "Seriously, am I being punked?"

Returner: Can I return this?

RHU Comeback: "Can you not and say you did?"

Returner: I'd like to return this?

RHU Comeback:  "And I'd like to go to Hawaii!"

Returner: Can I make a return?

 RHU Comeback: "Sure, I'll have mine on the rocks with a double shot and twist of lime."

Returner: "I'm so sorry, I need to return."

 RHU Comeback: "I'm so sorry, we don't accept returns at our store."

Mannequin Overwhelmed by After Christmas Returns

Toys R Us + December 23rd = Total Retail Hell

I went to the huge-ass 3 story Toys R Us store in Times Square and saw the worst Retail Hell ever. The Retail Slaves were completely overwhelmed and out numbered. It looked like a scene out of the movie 300! If I'd had memory on my camera, I would have filmed it all - toys being thrown on the floor, broken, people fighting over toys, hell spawn screaming and crying...absolute Christmas Chaos!

 

I don't know why they even attempted to return items, everything in the store was on the floor and custys were shopping from it.

Toy Hell.

 

Broken and crushed toys everywhere.

 

Toy-quake!

Trampled stuffed animals.

A set of custy hands about to add to the pile on the floor.

 

The pile of rejected misfit toys - once their prices were discovered.

 

Overwhelmed and abandoned register post.

Even Darth Vader would run away screaming at the sight of this.

See the couple peeking out in the pic below:

They were European tourists photographing the shocking mess also! We took pics of each other taking pics of the Retail Hell:

I hope to hear from them. Love to see what they shot!

Barbie world was completely under siege.

 

Retail Slaves trapped at their registers with hundreds in line.

This pic does not even begin to show how bad the Barbie department looked - empty shelves, broken dolls, dolls all over the floor...

Pile of rejected Barbies

Another abandoned register!

Freakishly funny though, with the random caution sign and giant Barbie standing near by.

I watched these people drag this huge box through the mess and massive crowd over to the price check scanner. It was a toy kitchen and obviously something that must have been expensive

...apparently, they thought so too...

They left it where they dropped it!

...just like everyone else in the store.