Retail Hell The Book

Elmo Avalanche

Most likely caused by piglets while their piggy parents looked on.

Pic from Christy Danger, posted on RHU's Facebook group page.

Breakroom Hell

Where are the paintball guns when you need them?

Sent in from a Kohl's Slave whose identity shall remain protected by RHU's Secret Retail Slave Wittness Program.

Angel Spawn's Random Act of Retail Kindness

From Retail Hell Underground Blogger Spritzy:

The other day in line at the check-out I encountered a wonderful rarity, an Angel-Spawn.

Now we're all well aware of the Hell-Spawn who rip through the checkout candy, trample tabloids, and scream for every toy and treat on the shelf only to have their atrocious parental units pat them on the head and say there-there, don't worry...the little retail-slave-girl will clean up your mess.

Ugh.

But today was different, the customer in front of me had two children who were probably twins and couldn't be more than three. They stood next to her and didn't say a word, didn't grab for the chocolate, didn't whine or scream or cry.

Then the little girl noticed that there was a candy bar on the floor; now a Hell-Spawn probably would have stomped it or maybe even just opened it and started munching.

Not this little girl, she picked it up and looked carefully back and forth across the boxes of candy until she found it's correct spot and put it right where it belonged.

Her mom noticed her looking at the candy and told her not to touch anything and I told the mom that she was putting away one that fell on the floor and that she was a good kid.

Let's clone kids like these shall we?

--Spritzy

  

10 Ways To Make Retail Hell Borderline Fun

From Retail Hell Underground Blogger, Depot Demon:

1. While throwing out trash, pretend that you are a secret agent destroying evidence (more effective if you hum the "mission impossible" theme)

2. Throughout the day, speak in different accents whenever you can get away with it

3. If you get "work lists", pretend that each task is a quest, and by completing a task, you are X% done with the game

4. If you get injured, don't say you're getting a band aid, say you're going to the healer.

5. Slink about the aisles pretending you are a ninja and are looking for your target.

6. Imagine what would happen if you turned your store into a paint ball field.

7. When asked where something is tell them its 2 aisles further than where it actually is. (Not to be done near management)

8. Work on your juggling skills with whatever stock you can get away with dropping.

9. Make up stuff about a product and see if a customer catches on (for example; 'yes this product is microwaveable and can withstand a zombie attack)

10. Stalk a person around the store, and do your damnedest to not get caught.

*Bonus for the ones who cashier:

Give customers the smallest bills possible, especially if they pay in change (I don't cashier so I have no idea what its like on the front end, but I sympathize)

                    *                    *                    *                    

Of course, I don't want anyone to get fired, because we all know as much as we hate the Hell, we need the money.

However the stalking of the customer could be looked at  as "ensuring that the crustomer receives excellent customer service" (I almost gagged while typing that) and could get you a raise...Amy ways, hope this helps even a little bit.

Love,
DepotDemon

Customer Reject

From Depot Demon: "Giving a *shout* out to the side dishes."

Burger Bitch: Twat Day

From Retail Hell Underground's blogger Burger Bitch:

First off, I'm hoping you all had a lube filled Valentine's Day, and that you played safe.

However, today was Twat Day and I wasn't notified until the very last minute.

I'm just getting over the stomach flu, so I'm still a bit groggy, tired and my patience level is at an all time low.

The very first order I take in Drive Thru was this rude, Jamaican bitch.

I could barely understand a word she was saying until she screamed in my fucking face. I finally get her order out (Three minutes later than it should have been because she changed her mind, twice.)

I hand her the bag, tell her to have a nice day, and get on with the next order.

Now, our window is kind of challenged at the moment, you have to slam it, and since it's, y'know, WINTER, I like to keep the window shut. So I shut the window and move on to the next order. She honks her horn, I open the window.

Her: I SAID I WANTED SOME KETCHUP AND DON'T SLAM THE FUCKING WINDOW AT ME.

Me: We have to slam it, it's broken, and there's already ketchup in your bag -Monotone voice-

Her: I want a CUP for it!

She also had those crazy fake nails that you only see in porno's (Don't kid yourself, you know what I'm talking about.)

I get her a cup, she tells me to fill it myself because she doesn't have the time to open all the packets.

Yeah? And I don't have time for your fucking shenanigans. I gave her an empty cup an locked the window.

So, when I filled out the void, I put "Customer was a douchebag." as the reason, and head office can suck it when they see it.

Then I grabbed an order on cash while I wasn't busy, and it took me ten fucking minutes because the dumb bitch didn't know what she wanted to drink.

Her: I'll have a large chocolate milk.

Me: Sorry, we're actually out of the large chocolate and white milks.

Her: Ok, a large white milk then.

Me: ... We're out of those..

Her: A Tonic Water then.

Me: Sorry, we don't have tonic water.

Her: WELL, WHAT DO YOU HAVE.

Huge Sign: -Shows the drinks-

Me: That shows all of the drinks right there.

Her: And you want me to READ all of that?

Poor cupcake, you have to spend all of your energy reading. Aaws.

I should have given her the stomach flu, ignorant dillhole.

--BB

Shopping Cart Standoff

Who will win? -- Pic From Natalie

Lover's Fight

--Story from Chihirulee:

Carty: About last night. I didn't mean to shove into you like that. It was the old woman trying to clean up. We were all tired man, no one chose who went in who.

Blue: I thought we had something special, not even I love you. It hurt. I am tired of being pushed around. You think just because you are full of GROCERIES that you are the only one who works.

Carty: Is it because of my limp wheel. I love you Blue, I really do.

Blue: I don't think we can shop together from now on. We're done.

Carty: But I love you.

Blue: Tell that to Wal-Mart, not that they'll listen!

And so the budding romance of Carty and Blue died on a cold day in February.

Kerry's Nightmare Part 19: Valentines Day Piggy Hell

No love in Retail Hell on Valentines Day. This is what I walked into. No one was there all fucking day and I had to close ALONE.

Go back hell and remnants of a Piggy stampede.

 

VD Shopping Therapy for a broken-hearted Custy: Try on the whole fucking store and leave a huge mess for me to clean up.

The piggies that are too lazy to mess up the fitting rooms.

Valentines Day Night was anything but sweet for me. We closed at 9, but because the place was such a disaster from all these heartless piggies, I didn't leave until 10:20. Fuck Valentines Day in Retail Hell. I drank heavily.

Ana's Valentine Wish

From Retail Hell Underground Blogger Ana:

This is Ana, who is single.

Happy VD! May you be itch free and fucking asleep. Or awake. Doesn't matter really!

I am writing something close to my heart. The tumor activated by the stupidity of the human race. My best friend (though I am not sure why this time of year) was crying last night because her boyfriend is only taking her out to eat and not to some stupid, pretentious movie he told her he did not want to see. They went last night due to work/crowds/the need to hide. I thought it was romantic.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year due to his "insatiable hunger" for young women. He is like the cat that is fed by every house in the neighborhood. I found out my "Lobo" is actually called "Honey" by the girl who lives down the street. She is kind of a slut, but I don't blame her. This does lead up to something. She saw him get out at my house and came to introduce herself. To his sister.

He had been telling her that he was adopted and I was his "little sister." I guess he figured out that families don't make out on the front porch. Oh well, maybe she does.

So, in my misery, I had my mom take me to the store so I could buy some booze to drown out my sorrow. I get to the store, close to tears, and my aunt liz is holding my hand. My aunt (a childhood friend of my mom's is staying with us while mom is sick) who has grown kids and the world's biggest heart. She takes me and lets me rant and rave to her about how much I hate men and how much I loved him. THe usual pratter. I admit I was not in my right mind. I just wanted to get in and out. Five minutes. The usual time it takes my ex to "release" and roll over. Big O is a tire shop to that jackass.

Aunt Liz is comforting me. But LO and Behold, VD cards. We try to get past them. I am not too upset. I don't care about VD much, just that it hurts when someone breaks your heart and the eyes of the teddy bears zero in on you. We got the wine and some sugary snacks (no chocolate!) and walk back, my arm hooked with my Aunt's.

I am saying something about how stupid Lobo is and how I wish he would shrivel up and die. We wait in the line, get up to the cash and pay. We are picking up out bags when i hear it.

Preteen angst.

My GAWD.

"But I LOVE him, we have been together TWO MONTHS."

I turn around and see this little hooker in training hanging off the arm of her "best guy friend" and this other tramp. The guy looks like he wants to run. Or strangle her. He is a cute kid, normal, not at all like "Ryan the Hottie Football Jock" that Hooker is going off about.

I want to snap. I really do.

I knew Lobo two years before we started DATING. I was with him a YEAR. I LOVE him and he broke my heart.

I just wanted to slap her. Aunt Liz pulls me out of the store and we go home and get drunk watching 300.

Ah leather speedo.

But this is my question for the world. Yes, we break our hearts over stupid guys, we think the world is all about us. But for once in the world can people FILTER.

I have heard the dumbest things come out of teenagers mouths. Can we for once use this holiday to love people. The kid with that hooker teen looked like he might have liked the girl, and to hear her go off on how perfect this guy is must have hurt.

Just like it hurt to have Lola the Slut tell me that she has been sleeping with my ex for six months. While Lobo has been with me. I had to get checked out. That was embarrassing.

If you love the people in your life why not take this time to show them, not with stupid consumer goods, a teddy bear that expresses everything you feel: cheap, used, washed up, and one of a million last minute decisions.

Can we not spend our hard earned money on trash. Why not take the day off and stay in bed? Why not call your old friends and watch movies or go for a walk. As slaves we are overlooked, this holiday is about one type of love, the store bought kind.

I am spending VD with my Aunt Liz and my mother and Tug/PuttPutt. We are going to go for a walk, have a picnic with Jim and his family. We are going to church in the morning and thank God/the high powers for the love in our lives. We are going to love each other. No gifts. No price tag. No stores. Just the real gift: family, friends, and those who have earned a place in your heart.

A happy, healthy, simple Love Your Life Day to everyone.

Ana

Random Act of Retail Kindness Valentines Day

From Cody: Greetings RHU, while wandering Walhell today I found a couple cases of Piggy custys who decided they didn't want their picks. Below is a coffee maker underneath a knife display. Which is just sad, seeing how the coffee maker section was only fifteen feet away at most. Above is a Valentine's Day bear who looked so happy to be amongst a pile of bread in the food section. I figured since I was gawking I'd save the slaves some trouble and put them back in their rightful places.