Retail Hell The Book

Stair-climbing Safety Signage

Surprisingly we never had a sign like this for the eight flights of stairs in the employee entrance at The Big Fancy Department Store. They were more concerned with us holding on to the rails so we didn't slip and take a tumble down the mountain.

 

Goodbye Borders, We'll Miss You

Gay hearts everywhere are weeping over the news of Borders closing their doors. It will be like losing a neighborhood friend. And from what I remember, Borders was one of the first book stores to actually have a Gay and Lesbian section. A long time supporter of the community, they were also a big supporter of STUFF THAT MAKES A GAY HEART WEEP. Thank you Borders! We will miss you.

A few Retail Hell Underground bloggers have already been causalities of the company's decline, and blogged about it (click here), but my thoughts and prayers are with those book selling slaves now going into liquidation hell. Sending you all good vibes so that you'll get awesome new jobs quickly!

So as we say goodbye to Borders, I am reminded of all the good times I spent there as a custy. At The Big Fancy there was a Borders across the street and it was our escape from hell during breaks. I would spend my last dollar on David Sedaris and my coworker Cammie would buy a stack of fashion magazines. Over on Retail Hell Underground, Borders fans and former slaves are leaving their favorite memories. Click on over and read the memories or leave your own comment.

RETAIL HELL UNDERGROUND BORDERS MEMORIES PAGE

My second signing at a Borders in Arcadia, CA.

 

This is my first signing at the Borders in Glendale across the street from The Big Fancy where I worked. The folks pictured covering their faces are some of my embattled former coworkers who lived The Big Fancy hell with me!

 

One of my long time custys with her curious son asking about the book. Sometimes we are lucky enough to make friendships with custys outside of Retail Hell!

Many of the Borders managers I met when Retail Hell came out, were awesome. This is a pic from San Diego Borders store. I stopped in to sign books for them and the manager decided he wanted Retail Hell to get some front door, front table exposure on the day Dan Brown's new book came out. Sweet!

At my hometown Borders in Reno, Nevada. Pictured with my high school journalism teacher who was a tremendous influence on me. I had not seen her since high school! I will miss Melissa, Amber, and the rest of the crew at Borders Reno, they were so fun and supportive and I always had a great time doing signings during the holidays.

 

Thank you Borders! <3

 

 

 

Tony's Gift List For Retail Slaves

From Retail Hell Underground Blogger, NC Tony:

NC Tony here with "Things I Wish We Really Had". This stems from the wish list of pretty much every retail slave.

These gifts will be good all year round. 

Spines: These will be given out to all managers who side with the asshole customer instead of the sales associate who is only following orders, only to have the asshole manager ignore company policy and give the asshole customer what they want.

Managers who already have spines will be upgraded to a set of balls of steel. 

Cell Phone Killers: These will be installed in cash registers. When a customer is within five feet of the register the signal will start to break up, if they have not gotten the clue, then at two feet the signal cuts out altogether dropping the call, no matter what carrier you have. There is no app for that. 

Age Specific Pacifiers: For hellspawn of course. If parents don't bother to bring something to keep their kids occupied, then depending on the age of the child, something is given to them to keep them from running around, destroying the store and annoying the other customers. Something cheap, it might break when they get it home, but while they're in the store it'll keep them from being hellspawn. Well behaved children will be given something cool. 

Shopping Carts: But not just any shopping carts, well behaved customers will find their shopping carts run nice and smooth.

Rude, nasty customers will find that their carts are always wobbly, at least one wheel spins around like there's a windstorm going on three inches above the ground, the cart leans to either the left or right, and every now and then lets out an ear splitting squeal. How will this work? Remote controls carried by all store personnel, it looks like a car remote (or built into your name tag). Simply aim it at a cart and hit the button when a customer turns into a crusty. 

AI Alarm Systems: This will be a voice activated system that will let security know exactly what the customer looks like when a theft is suspected. It will be available in a variety of voices, all of which are loud and obnoxious. They will work hand in hand with the new AI security cameras that track suspicious customers, so not every customer who's merchandise was accidentally not deactivated is accused of theft. 

AI Security Cameras: As stated above, these will track suspicious customers who may turn out to be NATs. They will also watch for customers who put stuff back wherever, or place their empty cups, soda cans and other trash on shelves instead of in garbage cans. It will also call them out:

"Hey, Vinnie Slobarino! There's a garbage can three feet to your right/left/behind you! Use it!"

"Is that where you got that? No? Then put it back where you found it!"

AI Cash Registers: Along with the ability to kill cell phone signals registers will also do what cashiers can't do... talk back. When customers start arguing prices, or just being a general pain in the ass the register will speak up!

"Yes, ma'am, I know the pants are 50% off, it'll be taken off at the end of the sale, now shut up and let the employee get back to work."

"Hey, slow down there flash! Keep your coupons until the END of the transaction, s/he's only got two hands."

"The money goes in the cashiers hand, not on the counter."

"Hey stupid, don't put the money on the belt!"

"Hey stupid, don't put your kid on the belt, this is a department/grocery store, not an amusement park ride!"

They can also scan ID's to let you know if they're real or fake.

Clue By Fours: Whenever a customer starts acting like a grade A douche, the sales associate can take this stick and whack the customer in the head. It will knock a little common sense into the customer to make them realize that they're being an idiot, and in most cases shut them up so the rest of the sale goes smoothly.

Mandatory sales floor work for corporate: Black Friday. All regular sales associates get the day off to spend with their families. Also every weekend in December and the week after Christmas.

Alternate versions will be made for those who work in phone sales/tech support (if a customer swears at you three times the call is automatically terminated) and food service (the register/server's order book will record each order so when the customer argues "That's not what I ordered" you can play back their order to prove to them that it is in fact exactly what they ordered).

So... what'd I miss?

--NC Tony

 

 

 

Old Slavery Hell: Entitled Bitches and Nasty Ass Theives

OH. MY. GAWD. FUCK.

This is T-Shirt Sponge, Old Slavery slave, wishing to share with you the CRAZIEST NIGHT I HAVE EVER HAD.

Apparently, brass testicles the size of beach balls grow on women now, and these monstro-women come to Old Slavery to harass the employees for kicks.

I was ringing up one nice young woman who, among other things, purchased a ring. Instead of putting it in her bag, she took it because she wanted to wear it. ALSO, instead of gently tearing the tag off, she grabbed the ring in one hand, the tag in the other, and pulled.

Naturally, it crumbled in her hand like a fucking Pop Tart. She looked like she was gonna cry.
I felt bad so I took the item back and returned it for her and gave her her money back, claiming 'defective item' and threw it in the damages bin. She complained that it was the last one we had and she would have to go spend time searching through all our rings for another one she liked.

Custy: "So...can I go get another ring?"

Me: "Well sure, but I'm afraid you'll have to stand in line again." (Keep in mind that she had no clue which one she wanted and sounded like she wanted to try every one on.)

Custy: *implodes*

She and her friend proceed to bitch me out about how 'it's her birthday' and why can't she just go grab another one. 

Now if they had originally wanted to just go grab one off the jewelry table, fine, but after bitching at me, no fucking way ladies, you can stand in line again.

"BUT ZOMG ITS MY BIRTHDAY!"

Look how much I care.

I thought that would be as eventful as my night got, but about 9:30, the only manager on duty, let's call her Stud, calls me to the front.

"There's three girls walking around with mesh bags full of stuff and they're gonna try to pull one over on us. Stay up here with me."

Apparently, three girls had been walking around filling three of our huge shopping bags full of as much stuff as they could, and just as Stud was telling me about all this, they snuck out of line and BOOKED IT for the fucking door.

Their bags were so heavy they were practically DRAGGING them and the door alarms were fucking screaming "HEY, SOMEONE IS STEALING YOUR SHIT!!!"

So Stud takes off after them and I take off after her, but they had.....a GETAWAY CAR. And a getaway DRIVER. This shit was PREMEDITATED. >.>

However, we got their license plate number, caught them on camera, and one of them dropped their cellphone.

Case closed, yes?

Nope. Cops came, said they can't do shit. Cuz.... I dunno.

Like what the fuck?

There's shoplifting and then there's blatant robbery.
 
Much love,

--T-shirt Sponge

 

Retail Hell Is Bowling For Boobies!

Hey Everybody!

Tomorrow night (Sunday the 24th) I am volunteering for my friend's awesome breast cancer fundraiser "Bowling For Boobies." Proceeds go to the Busted Foundation which helps women who are battling breast cancer pay their staggering medical bills.

While finding a cure is the ultimate answer, I love this charity because it offers help NOW to those battling the disease.

At the Bowling For Boobies raffle I have put together a "Retail Hell Survival Kit" to give away, as well as autographed copies of the hardcover, paperback, and my new one STUFF THAT MAKES A GAY HEART WEEP (which is not in stores yet! More on that later!)

So if you are in LA, come on up to Universal City Walk's Jillian's and hang out! It's open to the public - 20 bucks to get in (proceeds going to the foundation) and it's a lot of fun. Jane Wiedlin of the GoGo's and Thomas Lennon (Reno 911's Lt. Dangle) will also be there bowling!

If you can't attend but would like to help women with breast cancer pay their medical bills, you can donate to the Busted Foundation and read about the event here:

http://www.firstgiving.com/bowlingforboobies

No donation is too small!!! This charity is relatively new but growing ever year! Last year they were able to help ease the financial burden of many women fighting for their lives (you can read about it HERE).

 

 

 

The BookWorms and Dollies Celebrate Retail Hell

No hell at this party! Only laughter, fun, and awesome fans of Retail Hell!

On January 23rd, Melinda Filardo (a former Nordy department manager) hosted a retailicious luncheon in my honor at the Embassy Suites Mandalay Beach and Restort in Ventura California. In attendance were members of The BookWorms Book Club and longtime circle of friends, The Dollies .

This was my first book club event and will be the most memorable for me! Surrounded by old friends, new friends, great food, hilarious decor, and so much fun, I don't think it will ever be topped.

The BookWorms in attendance were Valerie Korac, Hillary Weireter, Janis Coffman, Kristin Corsentino, Lisa Coultas Shoemaker, Kendal Thomas, Travis Rees, and Jennifer McDonell. The Dolly group consisted of Melinda Filagree (also a Bookworm), Devra Hodge, Bodine Elias, Toni David, Arlene Shatsky, and Virginia Weilbacher. Friends of both groups that attended were Nancy Berger and Kathy Johnson Pettit.

Melinda and the ladies did a spectacular job setting the table!
Running down the center were replicas of old returned handbags with tickets and receipts and all those things I mention in the book that get left behind.
Many of them have worked in retail and it brought back return nightmares!

The most creative hilarious centerpieces I've ever seen! Loved them!

With Melinda Filardo who organized the luncheon and is member of The BookWorms and The Dollies.

Old receipts and even some Renova!

With The Dolly friends: Virginia Weibacher is next to me and on the bottom left to right are Bodine Elias, Devra Hodge, and Tony David. Dolly not pictured is Melinda because she took the pic!

And yes, even old food!

With (left to right), Kathy Johnson-Pettit, Lisa Coultas Shoemaker, Kirstin Corsentino, and Kendal Thomas.

I remember selling that handbag! And it did not come with a condom!

 

With Janis Coffman, who was also an Ex handbag manager at Nordstrom.


Tag with a sticker....not my employee number! Thank god.


With Virginia Weibacher and Jennifer L McDonell.

Handbag straps, lingerie, and Retail Hell!

Devra Hodge, Tony David, and Nancy Berger

Panties, chocolate, and Retail Hell! Oh my!

Melinda presents me with her toy truck award from The Big Fancy.
Here is the speech she gave before passing it me:

About 4 months ago, my friend Travis came by to visit and brought me a book that he said, "I had to read, it's called Retail Hell, it is absolutely hysterical."

Since at that point in my life I felt that Retail was hell, especially in Santa Barbara, I took the book. I flipped it over and looked at the picture of the author and said, "It's Freeman Hall! I remember him, he managed the handbag department for The Big Fancy and won all kinds of awards for having great business!" But I also remember that he was this very cute blonde fellow who was very quiet. I took the book and began reading and laughing. There was comic genius hiding in that quiet demeanor.

I remembered climbing the 8 flights of stairs at the employee entrance and the blaring music before a rally, not to mention the blaring announcements led by different managers at the store. I decided that we needed to have an author's lunch for Freeman with The BookWorms after connecting on Facebook several emails and phone calls, we have Freeman with us today, but before I let Freeman talk to you, I have a surprise for him.

We both know over the years, the prizes we received for winning awards at The Big Fancy got smaller and smaller, but after you left The Big Fancy realized that winning Manager of the Month was a very prestigious honor. That the gift reflects exactly how important the thought we were to the company. A gift that we would treasure forever. Since you never received one of these I decided to share mine with you. I hope you treasure this as much as I did.

...and with that Melinda pulled out a toy truck from underneath the table. The very one she had been awarded as Manager of the Month. I'm thinking of bronzing it.
It plays "We will rock you." Probably cost a buck fifty.

Kristin made this great sign for the entrance of the event room.
Now how did she know I like skulls?

Retail Hell Fan Racquele

When I had my Reno signing I had to leave Borders early because we ran out of books and I missed Racquele, so I went to the Sketchers store she is Assistant Manager at to sign her book. Besides both of us being from Reno, Racquele and I share the same fear of sharks - in the sea and on the sales floor! But there are no sharks in her store! I also signed her sister's book Ciara, who also works in retail and I hear is one of its Angels! I had a great time laughing and talking to Racquele and some of her crew pictured below, Andrea (left) and rockstar seller Melissa.

Sketchers Reno at The Summit rocks! Go buy your shoes there!

Customer Return Excuses and RHU Comebacks

We've all heard a gazillion reasons why Custy's want to return something.

Here are some of the more common return excuses along with answers you might be able to use!

Mocking the situation can be loads of fun and take the edge off! Custys with a sense of humor love it.

Just remember to make a joke out your comeback line and then toss your Custy a shit-eating retail smile and say, "I'm just foolin ya!"

Here are some of m favorite Return Hell Underground (RHU) Comeback Lines:

Returner: "It didn't wear well."

RHU Comeback: "I can see that. The car must have been going pretty fast.

Returner: "My husband, (wife, daughter, son, friend), didn't like it."

RHU Comeback: "Maybe they need a pair of glasses?"

Returner: "It made me sick."

RHU: Combeback "It has that effect on people."

Returner: "It ruined my life and I'm getting a divorce.

RHU Comeback: "I hope you get the house and the dog."

Returner: "My boyfriend's mother blew her back out and can't use it anymore."

RHU Comeback: "Maybe your boyfriend could carry it for her."

Returner: "I already have this one."

RHU Comeback: "So do we and we don't need another one."

Returner: "I bought too much."

RHU Comeback: "So I heard, it was on CNN last night."

Returner: "It was gift. I don’t like it."

 RHU Comeback: "I think you just hurt its feelings."

Returner: "I'm not in love with it anymore."

RHU Comeback: "Maybe you just need couple's counseling. I hate to see it end like this."

Returner: "Yes, the bottle of face cream is empty. But it broke out my face. Someone said keep using it."

RHU Comeback: "Seriously, am I being punked?"

Returner: Can I return this?

RHU Comeback: "Can you not and say you did?"

Returner: I'd like to return this?

RHU Comeback:  "And I'd like to go to Hawaii!"

Returner: Can I make a return?

 RHU Comeback: "Sure, I'll have mine on the rocks with a double shot and twist of lime."

Returner: "I'm so sorry, I need to return."

 RHU Comeback: "I'm so sorry, we don't accept returns at our store."

December 23rd in NYC

Since my flight got canceled after the show and I had to stay another night in the great city, I went for a walk in search of mannequins and Retail Hell. Found them everywhere. But first, check out this view from my hotel window: Three CNN Bitches staring at me all the time! Nancy's big eye just freaked the shit out of me. When I woke up in the mornings I could see her gazing at me through the slit in the curtains. How scary is that?

A huge crowd to see the Rockettes. I'm not one of them...but the outside looks cool.

 

A blurry shot of the tree at Rockefeller Center and some major outdoor Retail Hell - I can't imagine having to sell photo ops in the freezing temps! The woman did not look happy. Can you blame her?

 

So Christmasy you could vomit!

What in Retail Hell? Stupid people lined up in the freezing cold to see Sak's Holiday Windows? I am stunned...especially since the windows were lame...except for this:

 

A fat ice skater girl about to kill three penquins.

 

Giant colored suppositories! 

 

Leave it to me to find NYC's biggest balls ever!

 

...of course I run right into a freakin red shopping cart chained to a pole by the Times Square subway entrance.

 

And Mannequin elves pretending they are in Vegas

 

 

Manni elves are cute, but nothing beats chocolate kiss mannequins!

 

 

My friend Rich asked me if I missed working the busiest day of the year. I don't miss the stupid and mean custys and the massive crowds and piggy shoppers, but I miss the Retail Slave friendships, laughing at custys, and the holiday bitchfests that went down in the stockroom....and all the food we used to sneak in. 

 

But I have to tell you this...it took me a good hour and half to put all these pics up on the computer in the hotel lobby and through it all, I had to listen to one horrible fucking classic Christmas song after another...yes I wanted to rip my ears off, but they were already numb from the icy NYC temps...so when Barbara Streisand started singing Jingle Bells, they just completely fell off...

 

 

  
 
 

Freeman and Retail Hell on CBS Early Show

Watch CBS News Videos Online

Here's my CBS Early Show interview! It was a lot of fun. Maggie Rodriguez could not have been nicer and I used to watch her on my favorite news station ABC7 in LA and we are both pretty sure I waited on her at Nordstrom (she used to shop at my store).