Retail Hell The Book

Abercrobie & Fitch Promotes Singapore Store With Topless Greeters

Abercrombie & Fitch is opening a store in Singapore on December 15th and what better way to get free publicity than to hire a wall of buff shirtless men in sweat pants and flip flops as greeters! Mayehm enswed (at least for a few gawking Singapore girls and tourists passing by on the sidewalk) Will the shirtless Aberzombie models be headed to the US next?

 

The Aberzombie Ab Army. You will do as they say.

 

Audition line for the Abercrombie Fucks Fitch porno?

 

My gay brother will love this!

 
Birdwatching at it's best!

 

A moment of adults having fun = a lifetime of therapy.

 

Thanks, but no we aren't into three-ways.

 

 

Yeah, well if you don't come up with the 50 bucks for the photos your gonna wish you weren't such a fat ass. And no we don't take credit cards, bitch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

NC Tony's Retail Slave Wish List 2011

From Retail Hell Underground blogger NC Tony

After all the positive feedback I got from last year's list, I decided to make another one for this year. I promised it, so here it is, the Retail Slaves Wish List 2011. This is by no means a complete list, so let me know what I may have forgotten.

Baby pictures: For those of you who don't (yet)/don't want to have children, you can now have wallet sized pictures of adorable babies to carry around. Why? For the next entitled idiot that threatens to get you fired!

Crusty: I don't like the way I was treated, I want to talk to your supervisor. I'm going to get you fired.

You (pulling out baby pictures): Could you do me a favor?

Crusty: What?

You (showing her pictures of adorable babies): Could you explain to my son(s)/daughter(s) [insert appropriate guilt trip such as baby needs an operation, why they won't be getting any presents this birthday/Christmas, basic needs like food and shelter]?

Those of you with children simply need to carry around pictures of your kids when they were babies, even if they are old enough to have jobs and families themselves. If you look too old to have young children simply refer to the angel faced cherubs in the pictures as your grandchildren. Available in boys and girls (mix and match for multiple children to heap on the guilt).

Fake smile: Does your face hurt from having to paste on a fake smile for every entitled asshole that comes through your line? Are you sick and tired of having to grin and bear it when some dickhead yells and screams at you for upholding company policy? Does your jaw ache from having to smile while some fuckface tears into you because you can't do the impossible? Now simply wear a fake smile over your own grimace of anger while your eyes convey all the hate necessary. Available in all skin tones for men and women.

Spawn B-Gone: Hate screaming, unruly children? Of course you do! Now with Spawn-B-Gone you don't have to deal with them. Developed by scientists, Spawn-B-Gone is a odorless gas that flows through the vents into the store and harmlessly puts small children (newborn-toddlers) to sleep. Older children (4 and up) will feel lethargic and listless, and less likely to get into shit. The effects wear off as soon as the children are out in the parking lot. Note: Spawn B-Gone does not actually make small children disappear.

Trash magnet: So there you are cleaning up, and you find an empty Starbucks cup stuck on a shelf. There's a garbage can five feet away. Ever wish you could find the responsible party? The trash magnet (an odorless spray that coats the customers clothes when they enter the store) will force their own trash to stick to their clothes unless it's deposited in an appropriate trash receptacle.

1,001 Ways To Get Revenge: This is more for your coworkers and managers who are out to get you, or prefer to throw you under the bus to save their own ass. 1,001 sneaky, devious, underhanded ways to get revenge on them that can never be tracked back to you. From simple things like keying their car, to kidnapping their pets for ransom. Also going to extreme measures like putting them on the mailing list for the Westboro Baptist Church or hiring an ex-con to rob their house while they're at work. Also available: 1,001 Ways To Get Revenge: Corporate Edition.

Terry Everton and Burger Bitch's Big Book of Insults: Tired of calling someone an asshole or a stupid bitch? Let RHU's experts in new curse words give you the arsenal to unleash as soon as Fuckneck McCockknuckle's back is turned. Let that dicktooth know exactly what you think of them, even if you can't say it to their face. Also good for the coworkers described above.

How to Be Condescending and Get Away With It: Along with the Big Book of Insults, this book gives you scathing ways to tell customers and asshole coworkers to fuck off and die without actually saying "Fuck off and die". Now you can let customers and idiot coworkers know exactly how you feel about them without getting in trouble for it. Now you can insult customers intelligence, upbringing, education level, and even their looks right to their face without them being any the wiser that they've been insulted. Special index: 20 ways to flip someone off right in front of their face. Includes the old favorites of scratching your face, adjusting your glasses, and new sneakier techniques of careful hand adjustment so that your middle finger is always pointed at the customer (but not so they'd notice).

Closing Time Stun Doors: It's two minutes to close, and here comes some asshole who decided to wait until the last minute to come shopping. They promise to be "real quick" but you know that "real quick" turns into you staying a half hour past closing time. Well now, anywhere between ten and two minutes to close the doors go into stun gun mode. With all the voltage of a police tazer, anyone waiting until the last minute to come in "real quick" will get a real quick jolt of 50,000 volts (customers exiting will not be affected). Can also be adjusted to stun anyone other than an employee trying to get in before the store officially opens.

Trapdoors at closed registers: Don't you hate it when your register is closed and some brain dead cockslap comes up and dumps their shit on your register despite the CLOSED sign? Well a simple push of a button will render your line closed again as a trapdoor opens under their feet. For those of you who don't want to hurt anyone, the space under the trapdoor can be equipped with a mattress, and an escape staircase that lets out in the parking lot.

Coffee Call-Back: Hate it when coffee customers yell at you for screwing up their orders, when it's their fault because they weren't specific? Now with Coffee Call-Back you can nip this annoying problem in the bud. Coffee Call-Back records the customer's order, and will play it back as soon as the customer complains that you screwed up their order. The crusty then has two choices: take the drink that they ordered, or pay half the cost of the drink to have it remade. Deluxe model comes with video playback.

Hounds: So you've made the announcement that your store is closing in 15, 10, 5 minutes. The Stun Doors have kept out the riffraff, and now the store is closed. Final announcement; "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now closed, please take your final purchases to the nearest register or we will release the hounds. Thank you for shopping at The Big Fancy." Hounds will be trained only to chase but not attack custys unless they're provoked. Hounds will also be trained not to attack retail slaves.

Baseball bat clue-by-fours: Now there's no need to carry around a unwieldy piece of wood. All new clue-by-fours have been turned into easy to carry baseball bats. Still with the same ability to knock sense into even the dumbest customer.

Real life censor/mute: Tired of customers calling you a stupid asshole or (even worse) a dumb cunt? Well with the real life censor their insults get turned into grade school insults that make them sound stupid. How funny would it be to hear "stupid asshole" turned into "stupid airnose"? "I can't fucking believe how fucking stupid and incompetent you are" becomes, "I can't fudgecicle believe how Frosted Flakes stupid and inclockable you are... wait, what the french toast did I just say?" For those more severe insults (being called a cunt, or having your race or sexual orientation insulted) the real life censor simply bleeps out the words. Can also be adjusted to mute the crustys voice altogether.

So there you have it thirteen brand new items that if they existed would make our lives so much easier.

--NC Tony

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE TONY'S 2010 LIST!

 

 

An Open Email To Moby in the Morning Show Host About His Rant Directed at People Who Work In The Service Industry

From The Raised Elbow on Retail Hell Underground:

Hello, RHU!

Today I share something with you that I would like to send to morning radio show host Moby (of Moby in the Morning on WNGC 106 in Georgia.) 

While I was at work this morning, I heard Moby complaining about the Occupy Wall Street people and their movement to Stop Black Friday. Now, I will admit I'm not completely sure what Occupy Wallstreet's anti-Black Friday movement is about. Things like that make my head hurt. They, from my understanding, want to push more people into buying gifts from small businesses instead of the bigger ones in order to curb the hype of Black Friday. This is my understanding of it.

Now, I don't know my stance on the subject, but Moby's view is that the "Stop Black Friday" movement is ridiculous and useless and that they should just shut up and deal with it.

Well. This is where my letter begins.

Dear Moby,

When you are looking for a gift for your child or wife or any member of your family, what do you see across the counter when your purchase is being rung up? Do you see a living, breathing human being or do you see a robot with a pair of hands working the register? When the store associate spends an hour helping you find something, being polite and enthusiastic and oh so helpful the entire time, do you think of them as a person or as an extension of the store that's required to help you because you are the customer, you have demands that need to be met and you are always right?

I can almost garauntee that a lot of the people in this country not working in customer service don't even consider the people behind the counter. All they see when christmas decorations start going up is the possibility of getting the best item for the least amount of money. They don't consider the damage that's done to the stores they visit nor do they consider the feelings of the cashier or associate they're screaming at because they couldn't get the item they came for. They, like you it seems, don't consider that the people not rushing for the items, the ones that are in fact helping you find the item or ringing you up have families of their own that they would love to spend time with. But, because customers like you demand stores to be open at ungodly hours of the morning on friday and now even bleeding into thanksgiving, they have to cut their time short for demanding, selfish, destructive people that only care about buying items that they believe won't exist past that one day.

Do you realize that holidays like Thanksgiving and Halloween are being cut drastically short and are on the verge of being ignored because Christmas decorations go up in some stores by september? Do you even care about the people that get hurt in the crowds rushing into stores and trampling each other over a five dollar toy? What about the thousands of hours that go into planning and setting up the displays and sales and the countless hours spent cleaning up after the hoards of customers have gone? How is it fair that the store workers are forced to cut their time with their own families short because they have to be at work an hour or two before the store opens at four in the morning because YOU want some twenty dollar game?

I thought Christmas was supposed to be the time for families, kindness towards your fellow man, peace and warm fuzzy feelings. To me, and probably many others in the customer service sector, the Christmas season is a time to be looked upon with dread because people are demanding, pushy, rude and inconsiderate. Your lack of acknowledgement of the retail work force shows the mentality that many people in this country have. To you, we don't exist. We sleep in the store, we have no lives, we have no families. We are a name tag to you.

This is the seaon for consideration. So where is that when crowds are rushing the stores demanding items that honestly could last another few days if people were kind enough to wait and be understanding.

Sincerly,

--The Raised Eyebrow

10 Toy Store Shopping Tips From a Brutally Honest Retail Slave

From Retail Hell Underground:

In honor of black Friday here are some quotes and tips from a retail grunt working in the toy department. Never made a post before, you can call me the T.S.O.B  being the Toy Son of Bitch, which I was called today. 

1.) “*sigh* Do you know what you are doing”

Talk to me like a human. I do have a college degree, I spent 10 years (more than that if you count volunteer work) working in the mental health field. I am working retail while I look for a job in that field and go back to grad school. Do not talk down to me like I am an idiot and expect me to bend over backwards to help you. Also just so you know I have co-workers with degrees in special ed, business, graphic design, as well as a lot of college students working towards degrees in nursing, computer science ect. We are not idiots.

2.) “Can you check the backroom?“

If I say we don’t have that in stock = we don’t have it. Sorry I don’t control how many Leap Pads or Fijgit’s the toy companies make. Nor can I pull one out of my ass and NO I don’t have Santa’s elf’s locked up in the back room making toys.

For the record I get to work sometimes 20 min early and off the clock check the back room to see if we got a shipment . Translation probably at 10:30 pm thanksgiving night while you are willingly front of the store I am on top of a 20 foot ladder looking in boxes for that toy you are looking for so its on the sales floor. Not by choice.

3.) “I saw it here last week”

- yeah so did maybe a thousand other people. My store is not your personal store other people saw that toy too. Don’t get pissy with me because it sold out.

4.) “######-#####-######” Going back to tip one, cussing at me, doesn’t work.

A.) Having worked in the mental health field I have been cussed out by the best B.) Do you really expect calling some one a asshole will make them more inclined to help you? C.) Even try to physically intimidate me and I will call for the police. D.) Actually take a swing at me ( has yet to happen in retail ) and screw my job I will restrain you till the police show up.

Again you might want to think I am a high school drop out you can bully but that’s not the case. Working mental health, I have been punched, kicked, bit, slapped, spit on had people come at me with knives and screwdrivers. I can hold my own. (And those are the more day to day experiences from my former job, you don’t want to know bout the rest, the phrase “my leg got humped” factors in) Not trying to sound like a bad ass, but yeah been there done that.

5.) “What’s your name, if I can find *insert hard to find toy* behind a Monopoly box I would be really grateful.”

Implied bribe - if I hide a toy I can loose my job. If you want to try to bribe me, make it at least a couple grand to cover my bills while I find a new job. Cash only please.

6.) “I’m *three states* away, can you hold it for me for five days?”

Go back to tip number five and no I can’t take a in demand toy off the sales floor just for you.

7.) “The internet said you had it in stock.”

Yeah and I am sure the internet probably has a site dedicated to the :fact that says Obama is a illegal alien from the lost content of Atlantis, which is, on Neptune. Internet does not always equal fact. Also if the internet says we have one in stock and in the 10 minutes it took you to get to the store, it is more than possible someone else picked it up. I don’t control the internet.

8.) “You don’t have it? But it's in your sales ad!”

Sorry forgot it was my day to get up and gather all the papers in the Cincinnati area and cut out the picture of the toy you wanted.

9.) “ Why didn’t you order more?”

I don’t control what we get in the store. Yeah I know where things are supposed to be but can’t make them appear on command. What we get is what we get. You want to bitch about why you can’t find a Abbey or Spectra Monster High Doll? Feel free to e-mail Mattel.

10.) “You ruined Christmas!” Usually heard around Dec 24^th. I ruined the holidays b/c I didn’t have the hard to find toy in stock? Maybe its time to look how you raised your kids that a holiday is totally dependent on getting a toy?

Feel free to ad your own tips!

Black Friday Time Opening Wars: Retailers Ruining Thanksgiving For Thousands

By Retail Hell Underground blogger Kerry Daley:

I worked in retail department store for six years. A little longer if we add up the random months I worked for a local pizza shop and tent/party company. I started as a cashier for a year at this particular retailer, then moved to the sales floor when I couldn't deal with the rude, demanding, and inconsiderate customers complaining and yelling at me for things I have absolutely no control over, like company policies or how the computer system works. Not that customers on the floor were much better.

But I digress.

As the holiday season quickly approaches, poor retail workers are forced into the chaotic mayhem of early morning doorbuster sales on the day after Thanksgiving, the dreaded Black Friday. My first year working Black Friday, the company I worked for opened at 5 a.m., requiring employees to arrive at 4:30 a.m. The second year and every year following since I left the company, the opening time changed to 4 a.m., requiring employees to now arrive an hour earlier than the year prior, at 3:30 a.m. instead. Even at this ridiculous hour, customers were still lined up at the front door, in the dark, inching closer to the glass every minute to be the first ones inside and grab their must-have items while the rest of America was sleeping soundlessly and peacefully, without a care to actually be awake. Seriously, roosters aren't even crowing yet.

Being given a 4 a.m. shift on Black Friday almost always lasted 9 hours and often more, also cutting into my holiday time with my family on Thanksgiving. If I had to arrive at 3:30 a.m. and work until 1 p.m. or later, I definitely needed to sleep and rest for the anarchy that would ensue for the entirety of my shift. Which meant that to gain a full 8 hours of sleep to rest up and prepare to rise at 3 a.m. to arrive at 3:30, I would need to fall asleep by 7 p.m., slashing time with my family after Thanksgiving dinner, even missing the night football games that we all watch together. It never worked that way, as I could never actually fall asleep when I needed to, with all the holiday fun occurring downstairs. After a couple years of this insanity, I refused to work anything but a closing shift, when everything had calmed down and departments were easier to clean and organize, also allowing me a normal sleeping pattern and holiday time with my family.

Last year in 2010 is when Black Friday began to creep into Thursday, when stores like Walmart, Old Navy, and GameStop opened its doors at midnight, just as Thanksgiving Day ended. Sears stores were even open Thanksgiving Day, from 7 a.m. to noon.

"David," a former Sears Hardware employee in New York, recalled the Thanksgiving Day opening. "We had no customers at all. I was wondering why a hardware store would be open on Thanksgiving."

This year, Macy's also decided to take the midnight plunge. However, Macy's isn't the only store opening its doors to shoppers at midnight on Black Friday. It seems their decision has caused an avalanche of followers. Other major stores have decided to ruin Thanksgiving for thousands of their employees as well. 

Lowe's, Gap, Target, Kohl's, and Best Buy have also joined in the midnight Black Friday madness, competing with Macy's to coax shoppers into their stores instead, four hours earlier than last year for Target and Kohl's, and the earliest in Kohl's history. Kohl's will also be open for a full 24 hours - from midnight Black Friday to midnight Saturday morning.

And even crazier still, while Walmart opened its doors at midnight last year, they announced that instead they will open at 10 p.m. on Thanksgiving night - two hours earlier. And just when we thought the time opening wars would end, Toys "R" Us turned a competitive streak into absurdity when they announced their opening time at 9 p.m. Thanksgiving night. 

CVS Pharmacies will also be open on Thanksgiving Day, and store times vary by location.

A completely ridiculous display of retail worker injustice decided by Michael's stores shows an ad announcing 6 a.m. Black Friday opening time - and a Thanksgiving Day opening of 4 p.m. EST. Ad here.

Sears stores claims they will not open on Thanksgiving night to allow their employees to spend the holiday with family, yet they open at 4 a.m. Black Friday, and their subsidiary, K-Mart still opens at midnight, giving employees little time with family as they must attempt to sleep early in the day to rise in the middle of the night for holiday doorbuster sales.

An employee of Target in Omaha, Nebraska, Anthony Hardwick, 29, has started a petition online at Change.org, asking citizens to join him in urging Target retail stores to open instead at 5 a.m. on Black Friday. Hardwick has stated that he must hit the sack at 2 or 3 in the afternoon to prepare for a midnight Black Friday opening - completely missing his family Thanksgiving festivities. The petition has circulated all over the internet, and has been covered by many news stations. At the time of this article, the petition had already reached 107,167 signatures - nearly 20,000 gained overnight from Tuesday, November 15, to Wednesday, November 16 - Tell Target To Save Thanksgiving.

Hardwick's petition has sparked another retail employee to begin his own campaign against his company's Black Friday Time Opening War - Best Buy. He also asks Best Buy to open their stores at 5 a.m. Black Friday, instead of midnight. Push Back the Opening of Best Buy Retail Stores on Black Friday to 5am

Of course midnight for Black Friday is late Thanksgiving Day. Most stores require their employees to arrive at the store at least 30 minutes, some even a full hour, before opening to prepare the store and themselves for the rush. The shopping public couldn't care less about that - their Thanksgivings will be awesome! They'll get to stay at home with their families and finish their holidays meals while thousands of retail slaves will be forced to sleep through it to avoid staying awake for 24 hours or longer - just to prepare for their Thanksgiving night to Black Friday morning work shift, which often is much longer than 8 hours.

Thanksgiving, the day of thanks, to remember all we are grateful for and blessed with in our lives. Shall we be thanking retailers instead? Thank you so much greedy corporate retailers! Thanks so much for ruining Thanksgiving for thousands of people who work in retail!

What is happening with the desperation of these stores? Where will this trend lead? Every year stores have been opening earlier following moves by competitors. Have we reached a Black Friday opening ceiling? Or is this the beginning of chipping away at what's left of Thanksgiving? Chipping away at what's left of a holiday that has been virtually stolen from people who work in retail because of corporate greed and desperation to out-manuever each other and get sales as fast as possible. Every year their Time Opening becomes earlier and earlier, just to beat the sales of the next retailer.

Why not just be open all day Thanksgiving? More store hours open equals more customers and more store profit, right? Who cares about all these poor workers who will completely miss this holiday at home with their families, enjoying a delicious, carefully crafted Thanksgiving meal of turkey, gravy, stuffing, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, casseroles, cornbread, and pie... oh, the pies!

It seems corporate staff have completely forgotten what Thanksgiving is really about, and care only about sales and profits. Money, money, money. But for thousands of retail employees, many would prefer to sacrifice holiday pay to be able to spend that time at home, sharing family moments of togetherness and thanks, remembering their blessings and all they are grateful for. 

"It's not worth it," says an employee of Macy's who asked to remain anonymous. "I'd rather be home with my kids than working Thanksgiving night or sleeping through our family dinner."

L., a Toys "R" Us employee, agrees. "I am grateful to have a job in this economy, but stores have gone too far. Why can't we be home with our families on Thanksgiving instead of working it? Isn't this supposed to be our time?"

R., a parent of a teenage retail worker adds, "I have a son who works in retail and has to be at his store at 11 at night. We shouldn't have to fight with these companies to have our children home to spend time with family on major holidays."

Is this the end of retail holiday pandemonium? Or will Christmas be next?

--Kerry

 

Burger Bitch: I Love My Regular Custys - Especially When They Tell Off Other Custys

From Retail Hell Underground's Monster Blogger Burger Bitch:

I don’t even know where to start with this week, it’s just been a total and complete fucking shitstorm. I haven’t been sleeping that well as of a few weeks ago and I’ve tried everything under the sun to get myself to sleep better, or at all. But nothing seems to be working, which makes my patience level at an all-time fucking low.

Let’s start things off with a small public service announcement; PLEASE BE SPECIFIC WHEN YOU ORDER, IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO A COFFEE SLAVE. Twice this week, I’ve had customers freak out at me because I messed up their order.

Bitch, it’s not my fucking fault if you’re not specific. Dillfucker the first came through DT a few days back and ordered a large coffee with a small milk. Now, to me, that means a large coffee with a small milk in it. But no, he meant a small coffee AND a small CARTON of milk, so he proceeded to flip the fuck out over the fact that I put milk in his fucking coffee.

The second customer was a middle-aged woman who came up to the counter and asked for “two coffees with milk and one coffee with sugar.” To myself and my coworkers, that meant 3 coffees. My coworker poured them while I attended to a DT order, when I handed her the coffees, she flips her shit and starts SCREAMING at me because she only ordered two coffees.

I offer to repour them if she tells me what she wants in them, but I doubt she could hear me over the sound of how much of an asshole she was. Apparently she wanted one coffee with just milk and one coffee with milk and sugar, which she could have ordered the fucking correct way by saying “Can I have 2 coffees, one with milk and one with milk and sugar.” But I suppose that would have been just too simple. 

Now, I need to tell you guys a story from a few weeks back. We have many regulars and 99% of them are absolutely amazing. One in particular is my favourite.

We’re going to call him John because he looks hella similar to John Goodman. He’s crazy tall, I’m guessing about 6’4 or 6’5, and SUCH a sweetheart. Every morning he comes in and the first thing he says is “My dear, how are you!?” and he just makes my heart melt.

Sometimes he’ll bring his son in with him, who’s about 4 or 5 and he’s the most polite child I’ve ever met. Anywhom, John is the manager of a hardware store just down the road from us, so he comes in 2-3 times a day, but his first time is always about 15 minutes after we open.

He came in a few weeks back, so I get his coffees ready for him (He gets his and one other for whoever opens with him that morning, so I just ask him whose working with him and get theirs ready.) There was another man behind him in line, but he was waiting for a sandwich that my coworker was preparing for him, so I was shooting the shit with John about whatever hockey game was on the night before (I’m Canadian, it’s an everyday occurrence) when the man behind him taps him on the shoulder.

John: “Yes?”

Asshole VonVagDouche: “I was in your store the other day and it was fucking awful! I couldn’t find anything I wanted and your employees were so fucking incompetent!”

John: “Ok, first things first. You just interrupted my conversation, and she was talking. Obviously your parents weren’t fit enough to teach you to NEVER interrupt a lady. Second, maybe if you were more polite, my employees would have been more inclined to help you search for whatever you were looking for. And third, DOES IT FUCKING LOOK LIKE I’M AT WORK TO YOU? NO. I’M GETTING MY COFFEE BECAUSE IT’S 6:15 AM AND I NEED IT TO DEAL WITH ASSHOLES LIKE YOU.”

Asshole VonVagDouche: (Who barely reached 5’5”) “Oh. I-Uh.. Ok.”

I had to turn around to stop from laughing; it was so glorious seeing some fucktrot get his ass ripped to shreds. John even apologized for swearing in front of me and carried on his merry way. When he came back for his second coffee on his break, he told me that if that guy ever gave me trouble, to let him know.

I love my regular customers so much.

--Burger Bitch

Fed Up Retail Slave Writes Brutally Honest Letter To Corporate America

From Monster Blogger NC Tony on Retail Hell Underground: While I am still working on the Slaves Wish List 2011, I've also been working on this. A letter I'm sure a lot of you wish you could fire off to the corporate headquarters of your shitty job.

* * * * * *

To: The Corporate Fat Cats of Mega-Mart

From: Disgruntled Faceless Employee #51248

Dear Assholes,

I'm not sure you realize this, but we lowly peons that you barely pay are pissed off. If you've been on the Internet for more than five minutes (and other than to check your stock portfolios), you're aware that there are websites where we (anonymously) call you out for your stupid policies. Stop lighting your cigars with $100 bills and listen up. We are pissed off, and we're going to call you out.

Below are your idiotic policies, and why they are idiotic.

First of all, our pay sucks. This should be obvious. You make millions of dollars to sit on your rapidly expanding asses all day, while we bust our asses, usually standing for eight to ten hours a day for chump change. This may come as a shock to you, but $8 an hour doesn't even begin to cover our expenses such as: rent, bills, car payments (including gas to get to our shitty jobs), kids, food, clothing, school (those of us who are college students) and the high cost of damn near everything. What we make in a year, you make in a day. Frankly it isn't fucking fair.

The customer is always right. If I hear this again, I swear to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I'll scream. Let's get one thing straight right now. As the website says The Customer is Not Always Right. This outdated bullshit has led to shortages and pretty much giving away money. For every nice customer, we get the people who live only to torment us, defraud the company, and berate us. Try coming down out of your ivory tower and working in the store you've probably never even seen the inside of. You wouldn't last one fucking day. Sure, you could probably let the first few nasty comments roll off your back, but after the 50th person calls you a "stupid asshole" (or a "stupid cunt" if you're female), or any other insult, you're not wishing for them to have a nice day, you're wishing for them to get hit by a truck on their way home. Yet we have to smile and try to keep these assholes as customers.

Every time we hear "I'm never shopping here again!" we hope they'll keep their promise. I've read the company newsletter. I know we made 20 billion dollars last year. Loosing one dishonest customer in one city (that has 20 stores), in one store (out of the hundreds spread across the country) will not affect your bottom line, or the raises you give yourselves every year.

There's customer service, and then there's taking abuse. When the customer is abusing us, they are NEVER right. Ever. And if a customer ever hits me, then I'll officially quit my job before returning the favor. There is a fine line between customer service and a creepy stalker. I don't mind smiling and saying hi when a customer comes in. Asking them once if they need help should be enough. If they really need help, they'll track us down and we'll help them to the best of our abilities.

As a customer, I don't need someone constantly asking me if I need help every ten seconds. Don't make me do it to our customers. Nor do I want to have store credit cards pushed on me. I can barely keep my bank account in triple digits with what you pay me, and the same probably goes for our customers. They either already have, don't want/need, or don't give half a fuck about our store credit card. Stop setting ridiculous goals for us to meet. I've asked 100 people if they wanted the card. 25 already had it, the other 75 told me no, and got mad when I kept trying (read: being forced) to push it on them. Several threatened my physical well being. Let the manager yell at me, I stopped asking after that.

Speaking of the managers. WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU FIND THESE GUYS? I understand getting written up if we've done something horribly wrong, but the managers are on power trips. I and several of my co-workers have been written up for stupid shit (clocking back in from break one minute late... because everyone else was clocking in from break at the same time!) or things that are simply beyond our control (we were sold out of something and were written up because we had to tell the customer "No, we don't have anymore of that item").

Again, come down out of your ivory towers and work the sales floor. You'd be amazed at how stupid your policies are. Customers coming up to us and demanding to know where something is, instead of asking nicely. I can't count how many times a day people come up to me and just bark "Towels", "Rugs", "Coffee". What does that mean? Do we carry them? Where are they? What colors do we carry? What brands? WHAT IS THE QUESTION? We're not mind readers, something else the customers expect. And the managers get mad at us when we can't satisfy the customers who are never fucking happy anyway. It gets even worse when they throw us under the bus.

I'm so glad you force us to consent to something short of a full-body cavity search before we leave the store, while our customers steal hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise a month. Sometimes they do it right in front of our face in the way of bullshit returns.

Due to your "hassle free returns" people have defrauded the company by bringing in stuff they bought five years ago, at another (as in a competitors) store, with no receipt, no proof of any kind that they purchased the item, and when I can't verify or process the return they demand a manager who goes against company policy and forces me to do the return anyway (the aforementioned throwing us under the bus), usually ending up with the customer getting a refund (or free money since they probably didn't buy the item in the first place).

It gets even worse since we can't apprehend the customer, even when we see them stealing shit. So I've decided if you can't fight 'em, join 'em. I've had my friends come in and steal shit, return stolen (or old items) and we've split the merchandise and money... or have I? Something to think about. I have to do something to combat the shitty wages you pay me.

Getting back to our shitty managers. I have told these people fifty fucking times what my availability was, and still get scheduled for times when I am not available. Now I have to scramble to find someone to cover my shift, and I know of maybe three people that I can trust to switch with... except they're working the same shift. Speaking of which, let me shift gears to my fucking asshole co-workers. If I need a shift covered, they can't do it, for no other reason then they just don't want to work. But if they need a shift covered, they expect me to take their shift without question. Just because they do it to me, I always tell them I have something to do (even if that something is sitting around all day playing video games). And I want to know why I, who have been working here for five years gets less hours than some worthless waste of space who just got hired yesterday. There are people in this store who do NOTHING all day long, come in late, leave early and never get reprimanded for it. If I stop working for a minute to stretch my legs, go to the bathroom, sneeze, blink my eyes without permission, I get threatened with a bullshit write up (see above) when I've done more work in the last hour than the shiftless sack of shit has done all day. These are the same people who don't come in to work, not because they're sick, but because they went out drinking last night and are hung over. Meanwhile I'm on death's door, and I'm forced to come in. Last time the manager forced me to come in when I was sick, I coughed in his face and gave him my cold. I've also stopped answering my phone on my days off. If I'm not scheduled to be at work, I won't go to work. I avoid shopping at the store on my days off, just so I don't get roped into working. If the worthless employees can't come in because they're hung over, guess what? Not my problem. I'm pretty sure the managers are fucking the worthless employees. Unlike the way you're fucking us.

Speaking of not working. Why in the name of Arkvoodle of the Sacred Crotch are we open on Thanksgiving and Christmas? If it's really that important for the store to be open, then YOU come in on those days and I'll spend time with my family. You can also work Black Friday. I'm gonna stay at home. You deal with the five hundred assholes who want the new game system/video game, smart phone, iPad, whatever when you only have ten in stock. You get trampled to death when the ten thousand people lined up outside stampede in when the doors open at five am.

So in summary: We get paid shit, while you get paid tons of money to do nothing except make up stupid policies that make our jobs harder. The customers are allowed to verbally (and sometimes physically) abuse us, and we just have to grin and bear it (because they might never "shop here again", I still fail to see the downside of this). Your expectations of how many store credit cards we're expected to sell are ridiculous (and just plain stupid). The customers defraud us with bogus returns and get discounts they're not entitled to, or free money (there goes my 25 cent raise), or just outright steal stuff, knowing we can't do anything. The managers are all on power trips, writing up the hardworking employees and letting the slackers get away with doing fuck-all. The slacker co-workers won't help someone out who needs time off (I had to beg, plead and threaten to get time off when my grandmother died), but when they don't want to work expect someone else to take their shift without question. We're open on holidays while you jet off the South of France, and I have to hope I have enough time to eat dinner with my family and play with my kids on Christmas Day.

I really hope this e-mail opened your eyes. Because while you've been reading this, I used my computer degree to hack into your bank account and clean you out.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled Faceless Employee #51248

P.S: Don't even get me started on the problems with kids.

--NC Tony

 

 

 

Queenie, the Dumbass Slayer: Savior of Attention Seeking Halloween Idiots

From Queer Geek on Retail Hell Underground:

For all you Whedonverse fans, this reference will make sense.

In every generation, there is a Retail Slave.  He alone will stand against the custys, evil corporations, and the faces of dumbass people.  He is Queenie, the Dumbass Slayer!

Okay seriously I feel an asshat needs to be slain just for being dumbass.  Case in point happened this past weekend involving some weirdo on public transit just because this month is Slutoween. 

What is Slutoween, you say?  It is the time of year women have an excuse to hooch it up, get wasted, hook up with some Coyote Ugly, and regret their actions the next morning.  It is also the time of year that the general public become total douches taking all the fun out of a kid’s holiday.  Here’s the story.

I had to work during the weekend at the butt crack of dawn because my office slave job requires I prepare the registers for the store opening.  Now I am not a morning person so thanks to several cups of Java and energy drinks I was tweeking on some serious caffeine. 

Anyway, I left work in the late afternoon to go home accompanied by my galpals Mixie and Trixie (not their real names) who left early as well because the store was slow and their sales were low.  Since we work in the city, we take the public bus to avoid the price gouging of parking prices, gas, and traffic which is great if you want to chill on your way home.  Everything was fine until a passenger came on who I shall name Mr. Attention Seeker.

Let me explain Mr. Attention Seeker.  He meanders close to our seat looking like a possessed demon bearing fake monster fangs and growling at passengers.  Though I admire Mr. Attention Seeker’s good make-up job, I am not in any mood to deal with this idiot’s shenanigans especially when I’m dead tired.  He starts to growl at me and my friends and other passengers freaking out the little kids sitting nearby forcing me to turn into the superhero Queenie, the Dumbass Slayer!

Mr Attention Seeker: *Growl*  I’ll swallow your soul!

Queenie: Boy, puh-leeze!  You have to learn how to spit before swallowing.

Mr. Attention Seeker: *Growl* Are you afraid?

Queenie: Why should I be?  I live in a barrio.  Try walking down my neighborhood at midnight amid the sounds of gunshots.

Mr. Attention Seeker: *Roar* I’ll steal your soul!

(At this point, my sidekicks Mixie and Trixie come to my rescue.)

Mixie: *Shakes her water bottle.*  The power of this holy water compels you!  Go away!

Trixie: *Rolls her head around*  Look I’m can play possessed too!  *Growls* Your mother sucks cocks in Hell!  Now exorcise me!

Queenie: Somebody get me a stake or better yet a pocket rocket so I can kill this fool!

Mr. Attention Seeker: *Breaks character.* You guys are no fun.   You all suck!   Come on it’s Halloween.

Mixie: Whatever dude.  We’re not in the mood.

Seeing how Mr. Attention Seeker is getting nowhere with his antics, he arrives at his stop and gets off.  Queenie, the Dumbass Slayer has saved the day!  The other passengers cheer.

Passenger: Weren’t you scared at all with all those scary teeth?

Queenie: Nah, I’m a Retail Slave.  This is Halloween.  I’m use to seeing a bunch of wackos in the city.

It is true.  Working in the city has made me desensitized to the nutjobs around me.  Slutoween is not any different.  I’ve seen zombie protestors march around the city.  I’ve watched the homeless run around naked and defecate in public.  I’ve even seen Slutoween get even skankier every year with pasties and band-aids serving as a costume.  Still, when such horrible evil custy monsters come out of the woodwork it is Queenie the Dumbass Slayer to the rescue!

Batteries and accessories sold separately.  Action figures manufactured in China may contain lead poisoning.

--Queer Geek

 

How To Escape a Haunted House Alive: 5 Things You Should Never Do

From Crane on Retail Hell Underground:

This year I was enlisted to work for a local theme park's haunted house. The park has several 'houses', both indoors and outdoors. It's a fun environment for employees and guests, but things can get a little out of hand sometimes. Because working in a haunted house can be just as aggravating as a retail environment, I've compiled a list of things NOT to do when you're a guest walking through a haunted house.

1 - DO. NOT. TOUCH. EVER.

It's posted on signs. It's told to you as you walk in. In the scare zones/mazes with speaker systems, it's announced. Do not EVER touch a scarer for ANY reason. This is for your safety, the safety of the scarer, and the liability of the park. Number One Rule, people.
I've had people touch me to see if I'm real, or to reassure themselves after I scare them, or to pat me on the back for doing a good job. No matter your good intentions, I will still scream "DON'T TOUCH!!!!" in your face. No matter how offended you are, I will still stare you in the eyes until you LEAVE.
Deep down inside, I do appreciate the gesture. But some people have touched me inappropriately, or grabbed me and refused to let go, or worst of all, punched me after a scare. And I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO when you get inside my personal space and put your hand on me. So we're both WAY better off if you just DON'T TOUCH.

2 - Do not be an Asshole.

If you have done one or more of the following in a haunted house, you qualify as an ASSHOLE:

~ I try to scare you and it doesn't work. You respond by getting up in my face and intimidating me, fake-screaming at me, or criticizing me/my costume/my failed scare.

~ You see me before I have a chance to scare you, and yell for everyone to hear that "THERE'S A GUY WAITING TO JUMP OUT AT YOU RIGHT HERE!!!!"

~ You ask me stupid questions (i.e. 'what are you supposed to be?' 'how do I get out of here?' 'did you need a degree to do this?') or otherwise take advantage of the fact that I can't talk to you or break character.

~ I try to scare you. You try to tell me how to do my job. Examples of this are pointing at your buddy behind you and saying "Get him get him get him!" or telling me to "Scare Jennifer! Her name's Jennifer!".

~ You go through the haunted house wasted, bumping into everyone, spilling beer on the little kids in front of you, trying to pick fights with scarers, and generally embarrassing yourself in public.

~ You touch, grope, punch, or otherwise intentionally inappropriately come into physical contact with a scarer.

~ You bring your two-year-old into the haunted house and proceed to hold them in front of your face so that when I jump out to scare you, I am instead faced with a traumatized child and an angry parent screaming "WHY WOULD YOU SCARE A CHILD?!?!"

~ You take a picture.

I'm saying don't do these things, not because you might offend or insult me, but rather because you are ruining the experience for everyone around you.

Sure, I get annoyed and exasperated when people ask me dumb questions or get up in my face. But think of the person behind you. Are they a child? A group of teenagers? An elderly couple? They are watching as you grope at my butt. They hear the nasty things you're saying to me, and they know they've missed out on a scare because now you've blown my cover. The kids can smell the beer on your breath and witness your immature behavior. Presumably, you came to enjoy the haunted house or to get a few thrills & chills. So did everyone else. Be considerate!

3 - You see a dark corner in the haunted house and think it would be cool to hide there and scare people as they're passing by.

DON'T.
You are not an employee. You did not audition for the job, you did not sign a contact. You are creating a HUGE liability for the park by putting yourself in a position to be hurt or confronted by guests, scarers, or park security. I understand that it'd be fun for you/your friends to be 'interactive', and it's very tempting, but for your own sake please don't.
Also, if a scarer sees you hiding, we're often forced to break character to get you OUT of that restricted area. Other people in the house will then see us out of character and giving you a tongue lashing. Don't force us to ruin the event for others.

4 - If you react violently when frightened, don't bring weapon-like objects into the haunted house.
Duh. I've been hit by rolled-up maps, stuffed animals, and plastic lightsabers. If your reflex is to swing at things that pop out at you, leave that crap outside where it won't cause you a lawsuit.

5 - Don't stop!

Stopping causes lots of problems, the biggest one being traffic jams. We get that you're scared, but now everyone behind you has to wait on you to get up the guts to walk forward. In the meantime, scarers are often forced to stop scaring because space becomes limited and we get stuck staring at the same person for several minutes.
When you pay good money to enter a haunted house and wait up to two hours to get in, you don't want to be stuck waiting in yet another line inside the house because one schmuck won't move forward.

Please plan ahead; find out what the theme of the house is before entering so you can avoid your worst nightmares, and/or bring a buddy who can drag your ass through if you freeze up.

If you really are too scared to finish the house, find an employee (NOT a scarer!) or have someone find one for you if you can't move. They're posted throughout the house and will whisk you to the nearest exit without judging you. We all understand what it's like to be terrified, there's no shame in it. But if you can, keep moving. It's the only way out!

That's all I can think of! I'm sure there's more, but it's late and I have work in the morning.

Have a fun and happy Halloween RHU!

--Crane

 

 

Dreaming of a Zombie Wasteland

From Delusional Convenience Store Clerk on Retail Hell Underground:

I'm dreaming of a zombie wasteland.
Just the one I've seen through Romero
Where the custys are nicer,
and the hellspawn are quieter.
To hear the sound of my own voice!

I'm dreaming of a zombie wasteland
With every empty smile I show.
May your days be filled with unrelenting hunger.
And may all your days be filled with the undead!

I'm dreaming of a zombie wasteland.
With every empty smile I show.
May your days be filled with unrelenting hunger.
And may all your days be filled with the undead!

I wrote a song for all the retail slaves out there. I hope they too dream of a zombie wasteland this holiday season. God knows I do.

-Delusional Convenience Store Clerk