Retail Hell The Book

Al Bundy's Psycho Dad

 

Happy Father's Day!

Here's some bonus Al Bundy exposing his steel Retail Balls:

 

 

 I wish Al could have handled by used handbag returns!

 

 

Eat shoe and die!

 

 

Return Hell: Hoochie Mama Wants Cash at Canadian Big Fancy

From a Former Retail Slave on Retail Hell Underground:

Sup!

H here, and I'm free from retail... at least for a while.

I just finished my seasonal placement at Canada's version of the big fancy. I just had to tell you about a customer I dealt with on my second to last shift...

I worked in a section with a popular cotoure brand for women which I'll call Juicy Torture. We were located across from handbags.

A lady came in who I'll call Hootchie Mama, or HM.

She came to my register and asked me if she could return a bag for cash. Store policy is that you will get your purchase refunded onto the thing you used to pay for it (debit, credit) or else you get a gift card.

I checked her receipt and she'd paid in debit. I told her our policy, and she said "Why can't you give me cash?"

I told her our policy again and showed it to her on the back of her receipt. She said her debit card wasn't working so I told her I would put it on a gift card. She said she was going to call her bank and see if she could get it sorted out, but could we please get a manager to talk to when she came back?

I looked at my coworker and sighed, but told her we would. When she finally came back, I called my manager and explained the situation to him. He was in a meeting, but told me that we could do it as long as she produced two pieces of ID.

This is where the shit hit the fan.

The woman pulled out a credit card... and a credit card bill. I told her we would need photo ID. She got incredibly snippy.

HM: Uhm, this is a credit card. It's not easy to get one of these you know! It's not like a bank card!

Coworker: Okay... *calls manager* No, I'm sorry, we need photo ID

HM: And what would BE a photo ID?

Me: Well... IBOD, Drivers License, Military license, Passport, Pilot's license... we just can't take health cards anymore.

HM: I want to speak to a manager!!!

Coworker: Our manager is in a meeting right now which is why he can't come down.

HM: I don't understand! I bought something from you and no one is doing any favors for me!!

Me: *bitch, you are returning an item...* Well, I can put it on gift card for you, but I'm afraid without photo ID, we can't do anything. Our manager is already making an exception for you..

HM: YOU'RE BEING RUDE. I don't appreciate your attitude!

Me: *Note, I've never dealt with rude customers well* WELL MA'AM, I'm so SORRY that you find my attitude rude.

HM: YEAH, You ARE being rude. So just stop.

I process her return in silence, and when she's done, she says she still wants to talk to the manager. I tell her he's in a meeting.

HM: This is really unprofessional!! He's being arrogant by not coming down here to speak with me. I WANT HIS NAME.

I tell her his name, and she storms off.

How much was the return for?

Sixteen dollars.

Bitches be crazy.

--Former Retail Slave

Return Hell: Joe's Crazy Bitch Encounter

From Retail Hell Underground blogger Joe:

Hello all!

I'm glad to see we all survived Christmas more or less unscathed. That being said, some recent posts here on RHU reminded me of something my son, the cop, once said:

"Dad, it's the best way to meet the public: heavily armed and wearing body armor."

This year, as opposed to last, I was READY for the last-minute crazies, the NAT's, the shrieks of mortal agony coming from Santa's Village and the earwig that is "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. The very next day, you gave it away...". AAAARRRGGHH!

Sorry. I kinda lost my mind there. I'm better now. Anyway, as we all know, for every action, there is an equal and opposite RE-action. After the purchasing of tons of merchandise, comes the RETURNING of said merchandise.

Most of these transactions took less than 30 seconds:

- Custy presents receipt.

- Custy pulls item out of bag.

- I scan receipt and item.

- I say, "This will put $xx.xx back on your credit card."

- I staple original and return receipts together and present them to custy.

- "Thank you for shopping at Gord & Raylor. Have a great day!"

-FINIS-

Buuuut...then SHE walked in!

After you've been dealing with the public for a while, you know how you just KNOW someone's gonna be trouble? Well I got that feeling BIGTIME when I spotted HER. All I can say is that it must be akin to Spidey Sense.

Her hair was jet black and held in place in a classic Liz Taylor-as-Cleopatra 'do. In fact, Cleo must have been her inspiration, because she had WAAAAAY too much eye makeup on. I thought, "Honey, the casting for Night Of The Living Dead is OVER!"

The next things I noticed were her leopard-print coat and patent-leather boots marching (click-click-click) right on over to my register.

"I'm returning dees." (a $400 suit and several sweaters featuring a man-on-horseback logo)

"Yes ma'am. May I see your receipt?"

"Vhut?"

"Your receipt. May I see it please?"

"I DON'T HAVE RECEIPT! YOU PUT PRICE BACK ON CARD NOW!"

(Are you kidding me? You go to DefCon 4 when I ask for your RECEIPT?)

"Alright ma'am, may I have the card?"

"I don't HAVE card! You look up card number NOW!"

"Ma'am, for YOUR safety, sales associates can't access customers' credit card numbers."

At this point, she does the eye-roll and the forced exhale. "I'm not gung to waste my TIME with you! Call the Store Manager NOW! (Right to the Triple Dog Dare! I'm impressed!) I called the Manager and explained the situation: no receipt, no price tags, no credit card, and the piece-de-resistance, no I.D.! The manager quite rightly says, "NO return!"

Well, girlfriend goes absolutely APE-shit! She pounds on the glass display case. (I fully expected it to shatter.) She looks around for an audience, and spotting a few folks nearby, launches into a performance worthy of the Barrymores. 

"You SEE how dey treat people here? Do you SEE? They are liars and THIEVES here! They CHEAT you and STEAL YOUR MONEY! They are RUDE and STUPID here! They are...NO GOOD!" (That last bit was said with such vehemence that she nearly pitched over!) "YOU. GET. STORE. MANAGER. HERE...NOW!!!"

"No."

"WHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?"

"I said no. My manager has already told me not to accept the return. Now please step aside. Who's next?"

And the next person in line quickly put their merchandise on the counter. It was fun to watch Cleo stand there and sputter: "Vhut? Vhut? Vhut? Vhut? Vhut?"

If it had ended there, I would have been a very happy man. But she wasn't done by a long shot. She continued to harangue passersby for about ten minutes. Then she shot me The Look Of Death and stormed (click-click-click) downstairs to the executive offices. Ten minutes later, she was back with the Store Manager. Luckily, I was at the register at the ass-end of the department. But I could still hear "...RUDE!...STEAL!...FIRE!...

"I. SHOP. HERE. NO. MORE!"Oh, if only I could have stayed back by the mens shoes and socks until the whole thing worked it way out, but no. The Manager sought me out and explained that She-Beast had the pickup slip from the pre-sale for all the items in question. (Before we have the Super-Duper Really Big Sale, we offer damn near everything at the sale price. You can pre-purchase stuff, but you can't actually take it with you until the day the sale starts.) Using her managerial override, she was able to backtrack the store records and discover price and SKU numbers for everything.

So...Cleo got her money. And what good is Victory if you can't shove somebody's face in it?

(click-click-click-click-click)

"I GOT MY MONEY! I GOT MY MONEY! YOU ARE NOTHING! NOTHING!! YOU ARE JUST A...A...PERSON! YOU...YOU...(hissing)WORK FOR A LIVING!!!"

Guilty as charged, honey. Guilty as charged.

...and the dance goes on.

Peace.

--Joe the Cigar Guy

Queer Geek's Race Card Playin' N.A.T.

Hello from the RHU! 

Queer Geek again with another group of crazy custy stories from the Big Fancy store!  It must have been a full moon out because the nutjobs came out of the woodwork in droves. 

I barely got to my department to clock in when who should show up? 

Miss Scary-On Pigs! 

Now if you read one of my previous posts about NATS (Nasty Ass Thieves) you'll remember her, she came in and gave me one of her junkie smiles as if I have to accept her questionable returns. With a bit of sigh, I took one look like at her pile of crap on the counter and immediately inhaled the familiar aroma of the druggie smell emitting from the all the clothes she was returning. (Oh fuck me!)

As I dug into her pile of used goods which torn tickets, no tickets at all, tickets not matching the item, merchandise so old that looked like they came from their great grandmother’s attic, to items so used to the point that it looks like pile of rags that I informed Miss Scary-On Pigs that I need to call a manager to approve this return. 

At this point, this crackheaded junkie got all paranoid.

“Why you’s needs ta call da manager?” asked Miss Scary-On Pigs. “Shet, them’s stuff gots all da tags! Just give me ma’ cash for dem!”

“I’m sorry mam but some of the merchandise is outdated that it has been discontinued with the company. Our system cannot recognize the merchandise any longer and since some time has past, the full value of your merchandise does decrease.  I really don’t know how much we’re going to give you for these items.” I explain this to her because quite frankly items do depreciate over time. However, Miss Scary-On Pigs does not comprehend this.

At this point her companion comes in. A woman who I wish to refer to as Wannabe. Let me describe Wannabe.  Remember Vanilla Ice and how he wished he was of a different race?  Well that is Wannabe.  Wannabe got the look down to a tee.  From the multicolored weave, hip hop speech, and Ghetto Press On Talons on her fingers she just might be one of those guests on Maury Povich and Jerry Springer.  Well Wannabe feels the need to defend her friend’s honor by putting her two cents.  (Fuck me twice here!)

“What’s da problem?” asked Wannabe. “She’s gots da tickets. I knows The Big Fancy policy that ya’ can return shet. No questions asked. Just gives her da money!” (Talk to the hand bitch cause the ears aren't listening.)

I politely tell Wannabe that The Big Fancy has no formal return policy so returns are done on a case to case basis but both women weren’t hearing it so luckily a manager on duty arrived on the scene to save me from these two who tells them exactly the same thing I just told them.

“I’m sorry but these items have been discontinued with the company so it no longer has any value to it. Plus you don’t have any proper proof of purchase,” the manager replied.

“What ya’ mean? Ya’ gots da’ tickets on right there!” Miss Scary-On Pigs points out. “Just gimme da cash!”

“I’m sorry Miss but again there is not any information here to process this return.  All the items here have been discontinued since it has been so many years since we've carried them so I can’t give you a fair price on these things. I would need a proper proof of purchase,” he tells them.

“This is bullshet!” Miss Scary-On Pigs.  “I knows ya’s policy.  Ya’s can return shet!  I paid cash for it.  Ya’s all are racist cuz I’m black!”

“That’s right,” interrupts Wannabe. “Ya’s are racist cuz we’s black!”

Now that is calling the kettle black coming from Wannabe who obviously who has watched to many Eminem videos. Luckily the manager has some quit wit and responds to the race card comment.

“Ma'am, don’t play race card with me,” he tells them. “It doesn’t work here. As you can see I’m a minority too so you can't use that on me but if you want me to take this stuff back all I can give you is the last price and right now we’re looking at a grand total of a whole dollar since each one is now worth a penny now. As for the policy, WE DON’T HAVE A WRITTEN POLICY so we can make it up as we go along.”

“THAT’S BULLSHET!” Miss Scary-On Pigs screeches. “YA’S RACIST! ALL YA’LL! NOBODY’S GONNA SHOP HERE NO MO’ AFTER I’S TELLS EVERYONE THIS STORE’S RACIST!”

My manager politely tells the customer to please leave to which Wannabe drags Miss Scary-On Pigs away but not before issuing a threat.

“I’S TELLS CORPORATE! YA’LL BE FIRED FO’ BEING RACIST!”

“That’s fine mam,” he tells her. “You have my name and business card. Tell them I sent you.”

I laugh at his statement but sadly it would be a matter of time before Miss Scary-On Pigs returns and starts this whole drama all over again. 

Sure enough, she came back the following month and some other manager took back her stuff at a reasonable discounted price. (Fuck me three times and sell my soul to Satan.) 

I hate NATS!

--Queer Geek

Return Hell: The 70s Frying Pan Show

From Retail Hell Underground:

Hi there fellow RHUers!

I'm new to the site but I absolutely love it. I've been in different forms of retail for the last four years, and I currently work for a store with a giant star as their logo that rhymes with "Stacey's."

So since everyone else seems to have a nickname I guess you can call me Stacey's Hellper.

As you all know there's a fuck ton of returns going on right now since the holidays are over but I could not believe what happened the other day. 

A woman came in with a set of three frying pans she wanted to return that she bought THIRTY EIGHT YEARS AGO.

She had never even used them and decided that she wanted to return just one of them because it had a spot on it. 

Now our official policy is all returns must be within 14 days of the purchase, but my managers are like fucking jellyfish so they give in to any customers demands. So basically this lady ended up keeping two of her pans and getting one pan from another set that we had in the store.

So I just wanted to share that crazy store with all of you, I'm sure I'll be back with more stories soon.

--Stacey's Hellper

Queer Geek: Gift Card Customers Ungrateful

From Queer Geek's Retail Hell Underground:

Happy New Year RHU’ers!

Hope this year brings less drama and even fewer idiotic custys!

Queer Geek back on board to share another one of my crazy rants: UNGRATEFUL CUSTYS!

Yes people, every year after Christmas ungrateful custys come in droves to return their unwanted gifts in return for cold hard cash but now it’s gotten out of control with these ungrateful maggots wanting cash for just about everything.

Let me paint a picture for you.

Now I understand that not everyone is going to like the gifts they receive. Fine. Come in to the store to exchange it for something else. It’s not like poor Jesus got crucified for our sins so we can become ingrates and gripe about the endless boxes of socks and underwear given to us by our Aunt Gertrude. It’s not about the whole it’s better to give than to receive mentality but more like let me roll Jesus over so I can cash in that expensive gift Uncle Harold got me. Yes sir! That’s what Jesus would do. It says so in the Bible under Caligula 6:9. Thou shall piss off JC by cashing their gifts the day after his birthday in the name of their ungrateful asses! It’s all about the receiving not the giving so the Salvation Army and their ringing bells can suck it! The holidays are about the Benjamins! Apparently money does make the world go round. Look at Bernie Madoff!

Anyway, I can accept the fact that you want to exchange the items for something else. No prob. What I have a problem with are those ungrateful custys who come in asking to cash in their gift cards.

Let’s get something straight here. Gift cards are basically free money where you can get free shit at the expense of the store. They’re convenient because you can shop for what you like and not have to stress out the giver during the holidays.

Who wouldn’t want a gift card right?

Hell, I’ll be happy for a gift certificate to Mickey D’s just to grab a toy from the kids menu. I do’s loves me some Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story! It’s free, ain’t it?

Hell with gift cards, I’m would be a happy camper spending the day shopping at someone else’s expense. Here’s to you Anna Nicole and your 100 year old sugar daddy! In fact I would be elated getting a $5 gift card and you better believe I would spend it in a heartbeat.

However, it pisses me off when some ungrateful custy comes in and wants to trade in their gift cards for cold heart cash. And it's not some small amount like say $5 or $10. No, you have asshats coming in trying to cash out large amounts like $100, $500, and even $1000!

WHAT THE HELL?

Here’s an example of an Ungrateful Custy situation I have to deal with.

Ungrateful Custy: I want to cash in this $500 gift card. I can’t find anything I like here.

Queer Geek: I’m sorry sir but we can only give cash back on your gift card under $10.

Ungrateful Custy: But I don’t want the gift card. I want cash!

Queer Geek: Sorry but according to the information on the back of your card, the gift card cannot be redeemed for cash value. Luckily our gift cards never expire so you can use it at any of our locations. There might be something in the larger stores that you might like. You can also re-gift it. (Hint: You ungrateful asshole. Give me the gift card then. I would be more than happy to take it off your hands and spend it!)

Ungrateful Custy: What if I buy something for this amount and return it for cash? (Answer: You could do that fucker but basically you’re robbing the store by pulling a scam like that and I’m more than happy to call security to watch your NAT ass!)

Queer Geek: I’m sorry. How you use your gift card is entirely up to you but I am not at liberty to say? (Awww Hell No will I cash out $500 for you! You want that in penny rolls bastard?)

Ungrateful Custy: (annoyed) You’re not at liberty to say or not allowed to say?

Queer Geek: (snippy) Both.

(Customer walks off pissed.)

In short, Ungrateful Custys, if you don’t want the gift card ask for cash from the giver up front on Christmas. State on your wish list COLD HARD CASH. There is no shame in being rude and demanding a monetary gift in their faces. Prostitutes do it all the time! It’ll save you the trouble of having the person trying to get you perfect gift and gives plenty of opportunities to open up an argument or family estrangement if you’re lucky. Better yet, give ME the gift card! My newly resurrected friend JC and I will head down to the mall for some Birkenstock sandals and Evian water bottles which I’ll convince JC to turn into wine!

Peace Out and Happy New Year!

--Queer Geek

Crazy Lady Causes Return Scene Over Cake

A scary Retail Hell Underground return story from a Retail Slave who works in grocery store bakery:

Hi there! Bakery Slave here,

Today, I lost faith in humanity...why you ask?

A customer wanted a refund because the inside of her cake was too cold, and she actually stood there in front of a packed store and wailed on and on about how badly it hurt her teeth, how hard it was to slice, how tough it was...

She'd bought an ice cream cake...

She knew it was an ice cream cake when she bough it...

She didn't think it would be that cold...

Handing her back the 21.99$ actually made me die a little on the inside... 

--Bakery Slave

  

Return Hell At The Mart

From Liŋuist on Retail Hell Underground:

So today I had a lovely time with a wonderfully understanding and gracious customer.

Heh. I wish.

So I've worked at my job at a major one-stop-shop retailer for about six months now. I recently got a promotion to Front End Supervisor (which basically means I handle returns and supervise all the cashiers) and since this promotion is REALLY new, I've been on edge trying not to mess up / rely on management too much. I've been doing well so far, so I just knew something had to come along and ruin my day.

A lady walked in today with an unopened air mattress to return.

I greet her and ask her how I can help her, to which I am given:

"You kin gimme a sto' credit, tha's wha choo kin do."

"I'll do my best, ma'am. Do you have your receipt with you?"

"Why you think I ask fo' a sto' credit?! Course I ain't got no damn receipt!"

Lovely. I stay calm and try to see how I can get around this.

"Well, how did you pay for it? If you used a credit or debit card I can pull the sale record up from there for you."

"It was a mutha fuckin gift! Why the hell you think I ain't go no receipt?!"

Great. So no receipt and no sale record.

Now, company policy is very strict when it comes to air mattresses. None of the opened ones can be returned or exchanged for any reason other than defects.

I know her box is unopened, but I also know how closely watched these mattresses are. Not something I'm willing to get in trouble for.

Now, if she had bought some brand that is sold only at my store, I could help her. But this was a popular brand and I had no way to know that she didn't buy the damn thing at Wal-fart and bring it here because ours were more expensive.

So I do literally all I can do: brace for impact.

"I'm sorry ma'am. Without a way to track the sale, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you."

"What?! Why da hell not?! It's not like I want money, I jus want a sto' credit!"

"I'm sorry ma'am, I can't do anything for you without a receipt."

Well, she screams and hollers for a while and I don't budge. After about 15 minutes, my store manager calls me and tells me to do what I need to to shut her up because she's sick of listening to her from across the store.

I inform the lady that my manager has agreed to do a no-receipt return, which means we will take the item back and give her a credit, but she will only get credited the lowest sale price in the past 90 days.

She was INFURIATED stating she paid full price and this is racist, and I'm just being a a stuck up bitch. I tell her that's the best we can do for her and she can either accept it or decline it. There is no negotiating, the offer is what it is.

After another ten minutes of bitching and whining from her, she finally takes it while making it clear that I'm terrible at my job and at life and I shouldn't be given a job I'm too stupid to do.

I almost lost it here.

I go to a major university where I'm a triple major (German, Linguistics, and Mandarin). I work my ass off to keep a 4.0 to keep my scholarships. I commute an hour to class five days a week at 6 am and then haul ass to get back home to go to work for 9 hours. I am NOT stupid. I'm trilingual and only ONE language was a native language. I seriously almost flipped off the handle here.

Much to my surprise, I kept it together and finished her sale. She left with her gift card and walked off, I prayed to Buddha, Allah, FSM and anything else that she was gone for good.

Nope.

Ten minutes later she returns to my counter (because she didn't want to wait in line behind ONE PERSON) and told me I need to check her out this instant or she'll have my job (and notes that I'm lucky she hasn't already had me fired because she "kin SOOOooooOOOO do dat wif just one quick convolation [sic] wif da managa."

I sigh and attend to her. I ring her through, and go to hand her her receipt.

"I don't want dat shit!" she yells at me as she walks out without it.

I just can't help but stand there for a minute, dumbfounded that she hasn't learned anything from our 30 minute ordeal.

Just another day at the Mart, I suppose.

--Liŋuist

 

Abusive Shoe Returner Gets Told

Here's a piggy return story from Retail Hell Underground. MsGutsandGlory received a Retail Balls Award for not giving in to an aggressive custy attempting to push through a bad return:

Hello!

Like many others, I'm a long time lurker, first time poster. You can call me MsGutsandGlory.

Working as a manager in a popular hip shoe store definitely has some awesome moments, but some really bad ones too.

Tonight, I decided to stay open an extra fifteen minutes to make the 38 bucks. Three minutes after I was supposed to close, a yuppie mom (let's call her MegaBitch, or MB for short) came in with her princess of a daughter, toting one of our bags. Crap, right? A gawdamn return.

She dumps ratty worn flip flops on the counter. On the receipts, it clearly states no returns of any worn merchandise. And these are FILTHY.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry. These are worn, and I can't take them back.

MB: The girl told me I could.

Me: Well, I'm sorry, but I absolutely cannot.

MB: The display was faded when I bought them. The girl told me she'd give me a 10% discount, but they would be non returnable, so I just paid full price to return them. She said I could return them if I decided I didn't want them. And they hurt my feet. So take them back.

Me: (Clearly remembering the crazy bitch now, most people take the damn discount) Ma'am, with all due respect, that was me, and I always tell people when they are unsure of the shoe that they cannot return them if they are worn.

MB: That wasn't you. It was some other girl. And I only wore them to a fourth of july picnic.

Me: I assure you, it was me (Points at my employee number on the receipt). That's my number. And I don't care where you wore them, I can't take them back.

MB: Whatever. Return them (smacks hand of daughter fuddling with sunglasses).

Me: No. I cannot do that. It's corporate policy.

MB: (screaming) Fuck corporate policy! Do you think I care about your policies? Do you think I care if you get in trouble or lose this pathetic fucking job? Return them now!

(at this point my poor part-timer looks terrified)

Me: No.

MB: return them.

(The last two lines get repeated for at least a minute).

MB: Then give me the 10% discount.

Me: That's not even possible, let alone allowed. And why would you want 1.99 back for flip flops that hurt your feet?

MB: Fine. Get the other manager. You are going to regret not just returning these.

(Sooooo.... I give her his name, and tell her he's coming in at one tomorrow. Coincidentally, I will be there as well).

Me: See you tomorrow!

So I'm pretty excited for tomorrow. The other manager will be no where near as nice as I was at the beginning, since she already put me through hell.

And he won't take them back. And I get to witness it all.

Sell on, my lovelies!

--MsGutsandGlory

 

Customer Return Excuses and RHU Comebacks

We've all heard a gazillion reasons why Custy's want to return something.

Here are some of the more common return excuses along with answers you might be able to use!

Mocking the situation can be loads of fun and take the edge off! Custys with a sense of humor love it.

Just remember to make a joke out your comeback line and then toss your Custy a shit-eating retail smile and say, "I'm just foolin ya!"

Here are some of m favorite Return Hell Underground (RHU) Comeback Lines:

Returner: "It didn't wear well."

RHU Comeback: "I can see that. The car must have been going pretty fast.

Returner: "My husband, (wife, daughter, son, friend), didn't like it."

RHU Comeback: "Maybe they need a pair of glasses?"

Returner: "It made me sick."

RHU: Combeback "It has that effect on people."

Returner: "It ruined my life and I'm getting a divorce.

RHU Comeback: "I hope you get the house and the dog."

Returner: "My boyfriend's mother blew her back out and can't use it anymore."

RHU Comeback: "Maybe your boyfriend could carry it for her."

Returner: "I already have this one."

RHU Comeback: "So do we and we don't need another one."

Returner: "I bought too much."

RHU Comeback: "So I heard, it was on CNN last night."

Returner: "It was gift. I don’t like it."

 RHU Comeback: "I think you just hurt its feelings."

Returner: "I'm not in love with it anymore."

RHU Comeback: "Maybe you just need couple's counseling. I hate to see it end like this."

Returner: "Yes, the bottle of face cream is empty. But it broke out my face. Someone said keep using it."

RHU Comeback: "Seriously, am I being punked?"

Returner: Can I return this?

RHU Comeback: "Can you not and say you did?"

Returner: I'd like to return this?

RHU Comeback:  "And I'd like to go to Hawaii!"

Returner: Can I make a return?

 RHU Comeback: "Sure, I'll have mine on the rocks with a double shot and twist of lime."

Returner: "I'm so sorry, I need to return."

 RHU Comeback: "I'm so sorry, we don't accept returns at our store."