Retail Hell The Book

Warehouse Hell Video: Beer Stack Tumbles

 

Samara, Russia. A faulty stacking technique causes a beercatastrophe! What a mess...What a waste of beer!

Boobage Rejected

New shoes trump falsies!

Spotted by Vanessa at a Wal-Mart in Toronto, Ontario.

Demon Hellspawn Siblings Leave Fitting Room Mess and Brag About It

From Retail Hell Underground Blogger K-Fit:

APWORINVARJNGOWE ARRGGGGGHHH!

HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE! RAGE AND FURY!!

Hello all. K-Fit here (formerly Kerry – thanks to Sam for my new name!), and oh Dear Lord am I full of ANGER today.

I shall start by saying that I know I probably shouldn't be this angry over this occurrence, but at this point in my retail HELL career, I can't help it, nor do I care.

Last night (Friday), I dealt with the rudest, most inconsiderate devilspawn I've ever fucking encountered. They may have even beaten out the bitchy six-year-old first grader I took care of at a summer day camp (a story for another day).

These three little demon hellspawn seemed to be all sisters, or at least some kind of relatives. The oldest was not more than twelve years of age, the middle one eight or nine, and the youngest about six. Two “adults,”(and I use that term extraordinarily loosely), presumably at least one mother, were accompanying them. As the older females shopped, the maniacal children were running around the department yelling, being obnoxiously loud, and knocking things off shelves and off racks, leaving them on the floor, apathetic to the fact that I now had to clean up after their piggy little aggravating antics like the little jerks they were.

During their shenanigans, the oldest apparently picked up some shirts to try on, as she bombarded the fitting room with her and her sisters' presence. Every goddamn time they closed the door, they fucking SLAMMED it shut. Which is not only disturbing to my ear drums, but if they break it, no one else can use that room until it gets fixed, leaving a longer line for other customers and more headaches for us.

As she's trying things on, she's yelling through the door at her mom or whoever who is sitting RIGHT OUTSIDE THE FUCKING ROOM. It's very close quarters, you can hear each other fucking whisper in there.

When she was finally finished, she waltzed out of the room like the diva she thought she was, and continued to run around with the younger ones.

As I saw that she brought NOTHING out with her, I went in to check the room, KNOWING that everything was left in there.

Sure enough, like I have some kind of retail hell psychic curse, there are the shirts, every single one of them, thrown all over the chair, tangled together, and not one of them hung up.

Apparently, I must have “angrily” began cleaning up after them (what a surprise), because after I had brought the shirts out and hung them on the rack right outside the damn doors and began folding a pants table nearby, where I wasn't in visibility range of the fitting rooms, the mom said something about cleaning up after themselves for me (whether it was positive or negative, I have no idea).

I don't know what the girl said in response to this, but I heard her mom say “As she was cleaning up, she was hanging them up really hard.”

The girl said something I couldn't hear, probably extremely rude, to which her mom must have told her she was being too loud, because she immediately followed it with, “Good, I hope I'm loud enough so she can hear me.”

OH REALLY?! WHY DON'T YOU SAY THAT TO MY FACE THEN, BITCH?!

All her mom said was, “You have an attitude,” but did NOTHING to correct her. They left the fitting rooms, and were in the department for another five minutes or so. Every time they saw me, knowing that I was already pissed, the middle one looked at me and just grinned with this devilish fucking evil satisfaction on her face.

When they finally left, as they were already in the AISLE walking away, of course not to my face, the middle one said loudly enough knowing I would hear hear, “I'm so mad I have to clean up when it's my job!”

WHAT THE FUCK?! Now I'm absolutely fucking infuriated. I wanted to fucking slap that acid-toungued little monster and her bitchy mouth and evil fucking grin right off her spawn of Satan demon face.

First of all (not that I have to tell you), yes, technically my job is to clean the department, but there is a rack to hang your shit outside the rooms for a fucking reason, and IN THE DIRECTION YOU ARE ALREADY WALKING when you leave. It takes an extra TWO FUCKING SECONDS! The rack literally states, “Back on the rack! We'll take it from here.” Just because “it's my job” doesn't mean you have to be a fucking dirty little barbaric piggy asshole and leave your shit everywhere. And at twelve years old, I'm pretty damn sure you should be able to READ THE DAMN SIGNS on the back of EVERY door that kindly request you to bring everything out (I have a pic of this sign in an earlier post). They didn't care in the least bit that they left me a mess. If their moms or whoever they were weren't there, I would have gotten fired yesterday for bitching out a bunch of kids. I didn't feel like getting into a fight with parents. Those are the people I want to follow home, tear apart their houses and just leave it there and walk away because “it's their job” to clean it because they live there.

The worst part of the whole thing is that the “adults” did absolutely NOTHING to stop or correct them from acting the way they did or voice their spitfire bitchy attitudes. And that, my friends, is why everyone is a fucking asshole.

My solution to this night – thank God it was my friend's birthday and she invited everyone out – was to meet some friends at a bar and dance out my frustrations.

You know what, fuck it, I don't care. I wish I would have bitched them all out. Fucking little assholes. I hope they swallow glass.

Until next time, RHU,

--K-Fit

BONUS FITTING ROOM NIGHTMARE PICS:

Lazy Piggy Shopper couldn't be bothered to throw the water bottle away...in a trash can RIGHT OUTSIDE THE FUCKING DOOR! Ugh.

Angry Hangers!

Here you have a maxi-pad wrapper wedged between the wall and the chair. At least it's only the wrapper this time!

Piggy Shoppers Don't Play Pick Up Sticks

...even if they were the ones that started the game.

NEW BLOG: PIGGY PEOPLE!

Here's my new photo blog project called PIGGY PEOPLE! Yes, it's our Piggy Shoppers after they've left the store! I've also included many pics from RHU, so you will see many of those on there! The rest are a bunch of shots I took mostly in my neighborhood while dog walking. It amazes me what some people do with their garbage, and why they can't find a trash can to get rid of it! --And sometimes piggy leftovers can be quite funny. Thus the need to create a blog called Piggy People!

 

CLICK HERE FOR PIGGIES

 

Super Bowl Beer Display

They better keep keep that TV unplugged... Happy game day everyone!

Tony's Gift List For Retail Slaves

From Retail Hell Underground Blogger, NC Tony:

NC Tony here with "Things I Wish We Really Had". This stems from the wish list of pretty much every retail slave.

These gifts will be good all year round. 

Spines: These will be given out to all managers who side with the asshole customer instead of the sales associate who is only following orders, only to have the asshole manager ignore company policy and give the asshole customer what they want.

Managers who already have spines will be upgraded to a set of balls of steel. 

Cell Phone Killers: These will be installed in cash registers. When a customer is within five feet of the register the signal will start to break up, if they have not gotten the clue, then at two feet the signal cuts out altogether dropping the call, no matter what carrier you have. There is no app for that. 

Age Specific Pacifiers: For hellspawn of course. If parents don't bother to bring something to keep their kids occupied, then depending on the age of the child, something is given to them to keep them from running around, destroying the store and annoying the other customers. Something cheap, it might break when they get it home, but while they're in the store it'll keep them from being hellspawn. Well behaved children will be given something cool. 

Shopping Carts: But not just any shopping carts, well behaved customers will find their shopping carts run nice and smooth.

Rude, nasty customers will find that their carts are always wobbly, at least one wheel spins around like there's a windstorm going on three inches above the ground, the cart leans to either the left or right, and every now and then lets out an ear splitting squeal. How will this work? Remote controls carried by all store personnel, it looks like a car remote (or built into your name tag). Simply aim it at a cart and hit the button when a customer turns into a crusty. 

AI Alarm Systems: This will be a voice activated system that will let security know exactly what the customer looks like when a theft is suspected. It will be available in a variety of voices, all of which are loud and obnoxious. They will work hand in hand with the new AI security cameras that track suspicious customers, so not every customer who's merchandise was accidentally not deactivated is accused of theft. 

AI Security Cameras: As stated above, these will track suspicious customers who may turn out to be NATs. They will also watch for customers who put stuff back wherever, or place their empty cups, soda cans and other trash on shelves instead of in garbage cans. It will also call them out:

"Hey, Vinnie Slobarino! There's a garbage can three feet to your right/left/behind you! Use it!"

"Is that where you got that? No? Then put it back where you found it!"

AI Cash Registers: Along with the ability to kill cell phone signals registers will also do what cashiers can't do... talk back. When customers start arguing prices, or just being a general pain in the ass the register will speak up!

"Yes, ma'am, I know the pants are 50% off, it'll be taken off at the end of the sale, now shut up and let the employee get back to work."

"Hey, slow down there flash! Keep your coupons until the END of the transaction, s/he's only got two hands."

"The money goes in the cashiers hand, not on the counter."

"Hey stupid, don't put the money on the belt!"

"Hey stupid, don't put your kid on the belt, this is a department/grocery store, not an amusement park ride!"

They can also scan ID's to let you know if they're real or fake.

Clue By Fours: Whenever a customer starts acting like a grade A douche, the sales associate can take this stick and whack the customer in the head. It will knock a little common sense into the customer to make them realize that they're being an idiot, and in most cases shut them up so the rest of the sale goes smoothly.

Mandatory sales floor work for corporate: Black Friday. All regular sales associates get the day off to spend with their families. Also every weekend in December and the week after Christmas.

Alternate versions will be made for those who work in phone sales/tech support (if a customer swears at you three times the call is automatically terminated) and food service (the register/server's order book will record each order so when the customer argues "That's not what I ordered" you can play back their order to prove to them that it is in fact exactly what they ordered).

So... what'd I miss?

--NC Tony

 

 

 

Kerry's Retail Nightmare #29: Halloween Horror Show of Creeps and Piggies

 

From Retail Hell Underground Blogger Kerry:

Costume stores weren't the only ones in Halloween Retail Hell!!! For some reason the piggies and creeps decided to invade my store and scare the living shit out of me.

All the pics below are from Halloween afternoon???? WTF?! Why weren't these fucking piggies at home making messes with pumpkins and M & M's like they should be???!

But no, they had to come into my department and throw clothes around like it was fucking laundry day.

 Clearance Rack Massacre. Yes, I needed a chainsaw to clean it up.

Hangar Hellraiser in 3 fucking D.

 

Denim zombies! Get me some gasoline and a match.

 

An intimates rejection. Intimates is on the other side of the store.

 

 A not so rare occurrence of Paranormal Piggy Activity.

 

REALLY?????

 

The fitting rooms were a constant fucking mess. If I had caught the bitch that did this, in honor of Halloween I might have turned into Michael Meyers and strangled her with one of the jeans she left turned inside out!!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!

 

If I only had a blow torch and a Jigsaw mask I could've played SAW the retail version. Ugh.

Sad to say, my night of extra hellacious retail horror show doesn't end here.

Early in the evening (there was still people shopping and making fucking messes), this guy came in with his 12 year old daughter. He looked pretty young to have a 12 year old, but whatever. The girl goes into the fitting room to try stuff on and he sits down and waits.

I was nearby hanging things up and folding returns and all that, and obviously I'm never happy to be working, but today had been so bad with all the huge fucking messes, I wasn't smiling.(like I'm ever smiling in the 9th circle of hell).

This guy is now staring at me and says:

"Smile sweetheart."

WFT??? I'm sorry, what did you say fuckface?????!

I wanted to beat him with the hanger in my hand, but instead I ended up thinking he was an okay dude just being sympathetic, and I tell him about cleaning up after the pigs all day, having to work on Halloween, and how I hate my job and can't wait to quit.... 

He seemed totally understanding, so I stupidly kept going, and added, "....and they are keeping the store open till ten."

His eyes lit up. A creepy smile crawled across his face and he said:

"I can definitely look at you until ten."

EEEEEEEWWWWWW AAAAAAGH!

*insert screaming and vomiting*

I walked away and cleaned the other side of the department until he left with his daughter.

Around 9 pm I was cleaning all that denim out of the fitting rooms. As I exited the fitting rooms onto the main floor, it was just like a scary-ass nightmare on Elm Street, where Freddy Krueger morphs out of the scenery ready to attack.

Creep face had come back.

But thankfully not alone. Tagging along side of him was some girl who kept calling him BABE.

Oh yes,this super douche asshole appeared to have a chick already, yet he was still hitting on me.

I was actually relieved and ignored them.

So they're shopping around on one side of the department and I'm in the middle by the fitting room again. Suddenly he wanders away from her and makes a b-line for me. Then walked up to me and said,"I'm going to be checking you out the rest of the night."

....ummm CREEEPY MUCH?!

I wanted to pound his face and tear his fucking voice box out of his demon-faced head.  

But I said nothing and continued working, all the time fantasizing about him falling into a lake full of starving piranhas.

Finally she wants to leave for the men's department and takes off with him trailing...

so...

The super douche could walk by me again while I'm folding denim and say, "Smile sweetheart, cheer up."

Really?! Dude are you really gonna say that to me??, you slimy fuckin asshole!

Even though I wanted to tear his balls off and shove' em down his throat or tell him off on the spot, I held back. I knew it would end badly...for me...I may hate my job, but not looking to get fired from hell right now.

So I said: "I won't cheer up until I see my boyfriend when I get out of here tonight."

He gives me a blank stare and walks off, while I watch him walk his creepy ass away, burning fiery holes into the back of his ugly head with my death glare.

That's right, I think, go fuck right off, you skanky douche.

I never want to work on Halloween again.

--Kerry

Customer Reject

Maybe the custy thought the melon was in need of medical attention.

  

Piggy Shopper Caught in the Act

Caught in the piggy act of yanking shirts from back stock drawers and making a huge mess of dress shirts.